Someone at a grief support group said something to me that I just can’t shake. It is just one word that sends chills down my spine and fills me with burning anger.
This word was mentioned in the mist of me explaining where my feelings are currently. Even though I miss Sam more than anything and wish nothing more than to hold him again, I wouldn’t change him and who he is. What I mean by that is, I feel if Sam were to be alive today and came home with me on May 9th, he would be a different baby. I know that seems impossible to believe because I never knew Sam, but I feel that I do know him and can’t wait to learn more about him when we are joined again. I am proud of my son and proud to be his mommy.
So, is acceptance the right word to explain where I’m at? No, I don’t believe so. I think it is bullshit that my son had to die and other babies get to live. I don’t accept that my son was born an angel, I just have to learn to live with the fact that my son is not here with me. Acceptance, to me, means that I’m okay with the outcome. I am far from okay with my empty arms and broken heart. It is not okay that thousands of babies are born silently every year. Acceptance means that I should move on. No, I can’t just “move on”, nobody “moves on” after loosing a child. The secret society learns to survive every day without a complete heart. When I heard those words, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat”, my heart shattered into a million pieces. It is impossible to put the pieces back together again. There is an enormous part of my heart that has left me and lives on in a perfect world waiting for me to join him again. I don’t accept my son’s passing; I just know there isn’t anything in the world to change it because if there were I would have given my life to change it.
Do I accept Sam not being here with me? No, I never will! I live each day in complete confusion. Anxiously, I try to navigate the way I am supposed to live a life with out my baby boy. I don’t know if I will ever have that figured out, but in the mean time- I breathe.
Word of advice: Acceptance, not a good word to use EVER, with a grieving mother. The word may start a downward spiral effect that may leave her with feelings that haunt her.