Yesterday was the dreaded, Father’s Day. I dreaded this day because of the guilt that I still feel and will probably always feel. My husband deserves to spend his father’s day with his son included in the family. I want nothing more than to give him that feeling back. His face when he walked into that doctor’s office when he saw that I was in labor haunts me. Lucas is supposed to be share father son things instead he is filled with feelings of never holding his son again, never seeing his son smile, walk, or talk.
I don’t share this feeling of guilt with many people because I get the typical reaction, “it’s not your fault” or “it was nothing you did”. I can hear those two phrases for the rest of my life and still not fully believe them. Call it a mother’s instinct or something else, I still feel responsible for not being able to bring my son into this world alive. I was his growing center and something that my body did prevented him from surviving. I took my husband’s first-born son away from him. I feel responsible for shattering those dreams.
The “what-if’s” haunted me more yesterday than they did any other day. What if I demanded an ultrasound on my last appointment? What if it was something I did, I ate, or something I didn’t do? These are questions that I will never have answered. I will have to figure out how to live my new life with the new me and the “what-ifs” trailing behind.
Michalina sometimes comes up with questions about Sam out of the blue. I can’t help but wonder what is going through her little mind moments before she says these things. I have two from yesterday. First, she yelled out to GJ, “I have a brother!” She gets so excited about this and wants to share it with the world. The only difference for her, her brother is in heaven while other big sisters get to play with their brother everyday. Of course, GJ didn’t have a chance to say anything before I returned her excitement with, “what is your brothers name?” She replies with a huge smile, “Sam!” God this breaks my heart. Why does my daughter have to go through this? She is just as excited about him even though he is not even here. The second thing that she said, “Where is Sam’s body?” This was a random question on our way home from Judy’s last night. Lucas took the liberty of answering this question, as I have done before. He gave her the truth. We don’t want to sugar coat anything just to have to go back and explain it later in a truthful manner. I often have to tell her that Sam’s body doesn’t work anymore and he is an angel is heaven and how you don’t need your body anymore when you go to heaven and become an angel. I explain this to a 3 YEAR OLD! Who the hell does that! Not many people have to do that! These are the second hardest moments in my life! UGH, THAT Infuriates ME!
My husband is an excellent father; he deserves to have Sam here with him to do all those father son things! But, that too was taken from him for no reason! Why?