Hollywood style without the lavish materialistic things. The things that make you feel good. Kinda like the work with no play. You know the acting without the payoff.
I pretend a lot lately.
I pretend for my eldest daughter.
I pretend for my youngest.
I pretend for my husband.
I pretend for work.
I pretend for friends.
I pretend for family.
After all, it's been 2 years since I watched that little white box slide into the wall to never emerge again.
I should be different, right?
2 years without my son. It doesn't get any more fucked up than that.
I live a lie everyday.
I pretend it's ok that I have this life.
I pretend that it's okay that I a still furious with God and sometimes doubt his existence at all or that there is a heaven.
I shed a few tears here and there always making sure I don't fall apart. Keep the pieces together Stefanie.
People have forgotten. Or at least they are more comfortable talking babies and life with me. I'm not as comfortable as you think. I pretend. I act. It's what I do well.
Loving my girls doesn't change the fact that I don't have my little boy in my arms. Yes, he's in my heart. But, that's not fucking good enough. I selfishly want all 3 of my kids in my arms.
I don't pray. I have doubts of God existence or his goodness. I hate him for what he's done to my family.
-But I pretend for her, for them. They have to believe in something.
I'm aching for you baby boy.
-Mommy loves you.