Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Hollywood Style

Hollywood style without the lavish materialistic things. The things that make you feel good. Kinda like the work with no play. You know the acting without the payoff.

I pretend a lot lately.

I pretend for my eldest daughter.
I pretend for my youngest.
I pretend for my husband.
I pretend for work.
I pretend for friends.
I pretend for family.

After all, it's been 2 years since I watched that little white box slide into the wall to never emerge again.

I should be different, right?

2 years without my son. It doesn't get any more fucked up than that.
I live a lie everyday.

I pretend it's ok that I have this life.
I pretend that it's okay that I a still furious with God and sometimes doubt his existence at all or that there is a heaven.

I shed a few tears here and there always making sure I don't fall apart. Keep the pieces together Stefanie.

People have forgotten. Or at least they are more comfortable talking babies and life with me. I'm not as comfortable as you think. I pretend. I act. It's what I do well.

Loving my girls doesn't change the fact that I don't have my little boy in my arms. Yes, he's in my heart. But, that's not fucking good enough. I selfishly want all 3 of my kids in my arms.

I don't pray. I have doubts of God existence or his goodness. I hate him for what he's done to my family.

-But I pretend for her, for them. They have to believe in something.

I'm aching for you baby boy.

-Mommy loves you.