Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sunday, May 27, 2012

I need to tell you something…

I sit in front of Sam's wall and talk to the tiny white box hidden away from my sight.
I tell him things about what's been going on in my life. Tell him the same stupid things over and over again…
Mommy loves you…
I miss you so much…

That's always bothered me. That I didn't have some profound conversation with him after I gave birth. All I could say, repeatedly was, "mommy loves you." and "I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so sorry."
And still I have nothing clever or profound to say.

I tell him how his bedroom door has been open for almost a week now. How I opened it a week ago as a test to me. After being closed for over a year I wanted to see if I was ready to walk passed his open door without utter sadness crippling me. I tell him I'm doing better. I'm no longer drawn to my knees in tears and desperation to bring him back. Everything in his room looks just as it did when he was alive. Maybe that's why I closed it because it reminded me of death rather now it reminds me of his life. Mind you I would still give anything to fill that room with life and not just any life but Sam's life but now I don't want to close the door because of pain. I want it open because of the closeness I feel with him while in that room.

I miss you Sam.
Mommy loves you!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Even though...

Even though it's only been one year, one week, and six days is it time to do things differently?

I love it! Do things differently. That's a joke. There is no timeline in grief. Screw time. Just like it's screwed me.

Lately I have run into two people who have felt that I should be doing things differently in my grief. People that have judged where I am at in my grief and felt that I owe them or others something. I mean after all it has already been one year, one week, and six days...

Is there a disclaimer in grief that says after the one year marker you should do things a certain way?

I don't think so. That's a crock of shit if you ask me. My world has been turned upside down more than most would ever know and you are trying to tell me how I should go about living my life?

NO!
I'm not depressed.

I have, and do, give myself many smiles and much "happiness".

Are they different smiles and laugh's than they used to be before I buried my son?

Your damn right they are. They will always be different. My life has been changed.


I know my grief.

After all, it's been one year, one week, and six days. I know this thing called grief that follows me forever without rest. I know it's movements. I know it's manipulations.

I don't fear my grief. So don't make me shelf it for your pleasure.

I know when to be gentle with myself and I know when to push myself through the grief that I battle daily.

It's not going anywhere. Grief that is.
It's here for good. It's not a bad thing. As long as you get to know it. My son is dead for God's sake. You want me to curb grief? Not going to happen. It will creep in when I allow it. It doesn't abide by your rules.

Respect me. Respect my family. Respect my grief...my forever grief.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you tell a friend...

...even though it's been one year, one week, and six days you are still hurting.

The hurt is not lighter. Not easier.
Just different.

I'm hurt because I have some friends who won't talk to me because of their own fear...
I'm hurt because some see me as the same person I used to be.
I'm hurt because some deserted me.
I'm hurt because some have forgotten.
I'm hurt because some won't say his name to my face.
I'm hurt because some won't even read my blog for fear of stirring up uncomfortable feelings.

I'm just hurt.

It's not about your closure. It's not about you. For once I had to be selfish and deal with my loss. Not the loss of your friend. I am still Stefanie.

Like me, for the Stefanie who has given birth to death
or
Hate me, for the Stefanie who is selfish in her own grief.

I have learned to put all these feelings of hurt and loneliness on the shelf. I have learned to rid my life of senseless negativity because I have other things to focus on. Others things that are not even known by most readers and friends.

To stir up those shelved emotions is big. When a grieving mother is asked to discuss feelings, it's different. It's no longer a casual conversation. It's an invitation into a battlefield. Your asking me to enter a place I felt I have conquered.

Please don't make me go there for your own self righteousness.

I'm exhausted.
I'm hurt.
You left me. Your were my friend. Where were you to hold my hand in the darkness?

After all it's been one year, one week, and six days...

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Stefanie. I am married to the love of my life. I have three children; one is my sunshine in my darkest days, one soars high in the sky with his wings spread wide and a gleaming halo, and the other fills my life with hope. My life has been changed by experience. I walk a journey through grief. I'm learning everyday to live my life all over again. Please be gentle....

...even though it's been one year, one week, and six days.



Friday, May 18, 2012

One Year Ago Today....Part 2

It has taken me over a week to write the rest of this. After Sam's first angelversary/birthday passing I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Celebrating my husband's birthday the same day as Sam's, Michalina's fourth birthday two days later, Mother's day one day later and the one  year marker of Sam's memorial/funeral, and other reasons I'm not ready to get into. Needless to say I am drained. I am drained. I am drained.

These are thoughts that ran through me leading up to Sam's birthday and one his day.

One year ago today I awoke naive...

One year ago today you gave us news that you were on your way...

One year ago today your big sister was filled with smiles that she was going to finally meet you...

One year ago today we accepted your forthcoming two weeks early and excitement began for Daddy's lil' birthday gift...

One year ago today we arrived at the hospital and heard the news that you have gained your wings without Mommy ever knowing...

One year ago today your Daddy crumbled at the knees in utter desperation after hearing the news that his newborn son was already in heaven...before he could even say hello or goodbye...

One year ago today you changed our family...you made us four...

One year ago today you slipped silently from my body in the arms of an unfamiliar doctor...

One year ago today I laid in a delivery room praying out loud for you to cry and prove everyone wrong...

I can still hear my words...
Please baby breathe, breathe Sam breathe. 
Cry Sam, please Sam, please.


One year ago today we were told by an unknown doctor that you enter into heaven a day or days prior to your beautiful entrance...


One year ago today our lives changed forever...


One year ago today we had to deliver the news to friends and family that your much anticipated entrance into this world was over and never to be...


One year ago today you Big sister walked into the room with a confused look wondering why her brother kept his eyes closed...


One year ago today your big sister proudly held you and called you her brother...


One year ago today we said hello and good bye to our sleeping angel...

One year ago today you changed our lives forever...


One year ago today I had to physically let you go to never hold you again...
...never...
to see you smile...
hear you cry...
to see your chest rise and fall with every single precious breath you took...
...never to live the hopes and dreams we had planned for you...

One year ago today our world fell apart...

One year ago today we exchanged a promise...
...a promise to never forget...
...eachother.

Mommy loves you sweet baby boy, Mommy loves you.
Happy 1st Birthday, Sam.




Monday, May 7, 2012

One year ago today…part 1

It might have been 1 year ago today that you took your last breath…

It might have been 1 year ago today that you gave me your last nudge…

It might have been 1 year ago today that said your good-byes…

It might have been 1 year ago today that you heard my voice for the last time…

It might have been 1 year ago today that you tried to tell me you were in trouble…

I didn't hear your calling…

I was oblivious to you…

Just another pregnancy I thought…

Another baby to bring home to cuddle and love…

I'm so sorry baby…

I'm sorry I let you down…

I'm sorry I disappointed you…

I'm sorry I didn't savor those moments I did have with you alive…

I'm sorry…

As you took your last breath…I wish I was there to hold you…
comfort you…
see you looking back at me…
Tell you I love you…

I love you, Sam.
Can you hear me, Sam?
I love you and miss you!
Can you hear me, Sam?
I'm sorry for not being the mom you needed at the time you needed me most.

Can you hear me, Sam?
Mommy loves you…
Mommy loves you…
Mommy loves you!