First Days...

Through this grieving journey I have had a lot of “first days” and there will be many more to come. I have had the first day I left the house; the first day I went to the mausoleum; first day back to places I was at when I still had Sam. I have anticipated this “first day”, what it would be like, what would people say or not say, how people would react to me, What I would say to people, or how I would act, what steps would I take to get through the day. I have heard a lot from other baby loss moms that sometimes the anticipation is more intense than actually living through a milestone. Today marks a milestone and a day that is equal to the anticipation; my first day back at work.

I am surrounded by a plethora of people that truly care and are extremely supportive. There are people who have been my guiding light through these times. I cannot begin to describe my gratitude for these people. I am lucky to be a part of a work community that is so loving and comforting through these times. I am comforted by their sincere out reach to support me. You all know who you are, thank you just isn’t enough but all I have to offer right now, so…Thank you form the depths of my heart.

Now comes the guilt. The guilt for grieving amongst my peers and my family. The guilt for feeling useless. The guilt for returning to something that was a life before Sam and go about a routine that seems empty. The guilt returning to something that was and leaving Sam at the way side. The guilt that I have towards him, this may sound stupid to some people; I don’t want him to think that I am forgetting about him.

Shame also follows me in my first day back to work. Shame that I am the one crying and not able to function. Shame that I couldn’t do something to change my circumstance. Shame that I lost my son. I know that I have nothing to be shameful of, but it is still an emotion that has crept up.

Today has brought on a whirlwind of emotions that are impossible to sort through. Remember a while back I listed a bunch of emotions that I feel in one day? Well, today, those came rushing on me in an instant. Every time I turned a corner there was a another emotion there waiting for me.

On the way home I saw a rain cloud in the foreground of a bright sun and a beautiful blue sky which reminded me of my day. Me and my grief are the rain cloud that appears amongst the beautiful blue sky. It sticks out like a sore thumb and lets tears sprinkle down then gets lost in the background and eventually doesn’t matter because it is only a small part of the enormous beautiful sky. As I drove all the “supposed to’s” knocked again. I should be driving home with a smile on my face because I am going home to see my kids again after a long day at work. Instead I open the door to be greeted by only one of my children. I am slapped in the face with no crying baby at home needing my immediate attention.

Failure, guilt, sadness, and pain have taunted me today as I have another "first". 

Regrets...

At Sam’s park today I started out doing good, not crying just enjoying the peacefulness his final resting place brings me. Until, I crouched down in front of him, as I always do, I kiss his wall and tell him how much I love him. I lost it again. I was crying so hard I was echoing in the mausoleum. I didn’t care if anyone heard me or saw me-I was blasted with emotions that have been dormant for a couple of days. I don’t know what it is about me crouching down in front of him that gets me every time. I kneel there and picture the exact set up of the inside of his crypt. I know where everything is placed; I almost wished I had taken a picture of it. I will have to do a sketch of it sometime just to keep it fresh in my head.

            On my way home I began to think of things that I never really gave a through look at before. I mean I have thought about it before just never really took the time to figure out why I thought about it. I still don’t know why I have the feelings I do about it. The it I am referring to are the words that I spoke to Sam in the hospital. I don’t regret the words I spoke; I just wished that it were more. I can tell you exactly the three phrases I spoke to his lifeless body: “Mommy loves you”, “I Love You”, and “I’m so sorry”. Those phrases are so burned into my brain the play constantly in my head all day long. Those phrases have become my background music to the life I try to live with out Sam in my arms. I don’t think I wanted to express hopes and dreams to him, but I just wanted to say more. I didn’t want to tell him of my hopes and dreams for him because I somehow do want him to think he has let me down. I still have a hard time expressing those broken dreams and empty hopes. My baby isn’t here and I am still trying to protect him… I don’t exactly know what more is, but those three phrases are all I could think of to express how I feel.

            I also was reminded of things I regret not doing with him in the time that I did have him. I guess I am thinking of these things because now the reality is setting in that I will never have that time with him again. Those hours that I was able to hold my sweet baby boy in my arms were, what felt like seconds. I wish that I snuggled with him more and held him different ways. I don’t know why these things are important to me now. I can only lean on the reason that these would have given me more memories. I am at a stage that I an desperately hanging on to any memory that I can to help me hold him just a tiny bit closer. The only reason that I can think of why I didn’t snuggle him or hold him as if he were alive is because I was afraid of hurting him. I know that sounds ridiculous because he was already an angel, but I was trying to protect him from any further harm. I guess I already felt like I let him down in the worst possible way, I didn’t want to hurt his fragile tiny body.

Only if life had a rewind button… Would I change the way I held him or the things I said to him? Or would I change the circumstance?

            Work is just around the corner. I am a nervous wreck about going back. If I could just quit I would. You know me, anything to avoid the situation. I think it is just the reality of life without my baby that will really be in full swing and nothing to stop it. I don’t want to be doing “better”. Eww, I hate that word; so filled with guilt. I am trying to avoid it, but I know it will be here soon and I will have to go through the motions.