It's Christmas Day

It's Christmas Day and I feel almos foolish to think I actually thought year number 2 without Sam would be a smidgen easier than the first.
Shit! I'm wrong!
This sucks. We stop at the oasis for Starbucks and my eyes begin to flow at the sight of a father and son hand in hand.

I allow my head to be filled with the guilt that struck me so early on.
I'm sorry for not giving my husband a son, my daughter a brother, completing my family.
I know it's not my fault. But this Christmas season has brought out that mother instinct, the one to protect the young at any cost.
I just want my son back. Even if its for a split second.

I imagine him riding around in this truck that we would have bought him this year for Christmas.

I can hear him babbling some gibberish that only daddy and I can understand.

I imagined him opening his gifts this morning and either being a terror to his big sister or the most sweetest little boy to his mommy.

But I'm not having any of that. Their only dreams that will never come true.

We will never have a complete family. We will never have a complete holiday.

Merry Christmas baby boy, mommy loves you.

Christmas

I've been having a really hard time with Christmas this year and Lucas is doing even worse.
Those feelings and thoughts are for another post. I just wanted to drop a quick hello and picture of the girls with the "big guy".

•Side note I have about 4ish post sitting in "draft" mode. I may be sorting through these and posting them over the next couple weeks, I hope.

Six Months and Three Weeks...

I sit here in awe at myself. I never thought I would make it to six months and three weeks. There is nothing significant about the date, just that it has been over six months since Sam passed away. I am not only in awe at this I am sickened by it at the same time. How could a mother live that long without seeing her baby, caring for her baby. Now I know, I'm not an idiot, I know that I can't do those things. But, seriously, think about it. What mother can do those things and still breathe everyday and wake every morning?

A mother who has buried her child.

I find myself most days so completely numb to the pain of not having Sam physically in my life that I often forget to live it. I currently can say my status is existing and I am not sure I am comfortable with it. I want to live each day for my son proving his existence and honoring his life.

But how?

I have so many ideas that I just don't know where to start. I have dreams of hosting a site where mother's of loss can visit and know that they will find comfort in Sam's Promise to never forget and never be forgotten. I want now more than anything.

What's the hold up...money!

Do you know that it is almost $800 to get a non-for-profit up and moving in IL? Pretty shitty when all you want to do is help.

Dreams of providing an array of information to parents that have just been stricken with the most horrifying news they will ever hear. I want to comfort them and make sure they know they are and never will be alone in this mess.

There will be more after us...

I am numb by the demands of life, to be a mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, teacher, and friend.

So many shoes to fill. The only one I am comfortable in most of the time is mother.

Mother to an Angel.

Mother to Michalina.

Yuck! Get this costume off of me. Let me talk about my son 24.7. Let me cry when I feel like it. Let me surf the web for hours on end looking and reading about stillbirths and grief. Don't give me responsibilities that I can't and don't want to fulfill.

I can't get enough of everyone's blogs. I would read them all day long. I feed off of the attempt to feel normal or a little less lonely in the abyss of tears.

Then reality sets in...

The earth doesn't stop. I found that out when the cards stopped coming and people stop calling or showing they care. I tried to stop the world when I lost Sam. Nobody cared. The earth does not stand still for anyone! In fact, it doesn't even slow down. I am learning that now with the holiday's. Since I know it won't stop until I can regain my footing, I want to put on my superhero cape and grab hold of the enormous sphere and just slow it the fuck down. But I got no cape and the world still ticks months in advance for the Christmas cheer of spending a boat load of money on shit people don't need. Christmas is at every turn just to stand there and stick it's tongue out and laugh at me in ridicule that it's not slowing down for shit!

With each passing day, I am reminded that I have to still have Christmas with out my adorable 7 month old baby sitting up in his bumbo ready to chew on the wrapping paper that "Santa" picked out special for him. I am forcefully reminded that there are no gifts to be bought for him only mausoleum wall decorations. Christmas and happy families are here and coming at me full force.

Life lesson: The world does not stop when your baby dies and don't think for a second that it's even going to slow down enough for you to take a breath!