Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Today was a day I wish I was someone else. Someone else besides a baby loss mama. Now, I am not saying I don't want Sam to be my son or have a different baby alive. One single, tenth of a second glimpse, of someone else's happiness of a newborn baby is all it took. I cannot describe the rush of emotions that come to take over my body when a trigger occurs. I sound like I am talking about drugs here. The emotions are overwhelming and controlling. Coming from a control freak, I have to admit these emotions put me powerless. There is one thing that I have been forced to learn after loosing Sam, I have control over nothing! This has been a hard pill to swallow. I don't believe I am equip to handle being who I am; but, I have no choice. I have been given this life and all of the hardships that come with it and there is not a person in the world that can change it or take it away.
Do I wish I was someone else, yes. I don't wish it was ever me that lost my baby. I want to be the one loving on my new baby boy. I want to be the one complaining how hard it is with two kids. I want to be the one taking those cute pictures of Michalina with her little brother. I want to be the one smiling when Michalina plays mommy to her brother. Call it jealousy, call it what you will. I call this love. A love that my son has left me with. I call this an aching desire to be with my ENTIRE family again.
I was always the person that said, "God will never give you more than you can handle." Ha, I laugh at this now. Who would have ever guessed that I would be the one that gets sucker punched in the gut? The cautious one that always took risks only to the point of comfort; I took them far enough, never too far. Who is equipped to bury their child? No one!
Other people's happiness brings sadness. A believer in God means the unthinkable happens; the ultimate test of faith. I don't know if I will pass the test.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Well here is the last assignment for my photography class. I am truly sad that it is over.
I sit here in tears as I think about an entire year without Sam. A whole year, how can that be possible? One year makes me think of what he would be like. What would his first birthday party theme be? Would he be walking by his first birthday? What would his little voice sound like when his first word left his little lips? Tears...
I have to be honest, I can't think of my future, not even one day from now. I never really have been a person that could see themselves doing anything in the future. And now that Sam is gone, I am afraid to look into the future. I am afraid that it will be filled with other losses and pain. My husband always tells me that I pigeon hole my hopes and this is one aspect I don't want to do that with. I do hope my family grows in the future, in one year, I don't know. I hope that my future brings me a way to contribute to the babyloss community in a profound way. I hope that I am able to keep Sam's legacy alive. In one year...
Tomorrow and in the near future, I want to be sure that I am expressing my love for my family in a way that everlasting. Sam has given me the gift to love deeper, greater, and more intensely than I ever thought possible; I want to be sure that my husband and daughter know that love.
As this class draws to a close, I want to express my appreciation to Beryl for creating this class specifically for grieving mothers. I wished that this didn't have to end and we could some how get a year's worth of photo challenges to help with the grieving process. My photography is showing me something I never thought I was any good at and giving me the confidence to get in front of the camera myself.
Thank you Beryl and thank you ladies for your sincere honestly and trust. We got to figure out a way to get the first Illuminate class together...in person. I would love to meet all of you. Thank you ladies!