Knocked Down Again

 I am sitting here at Michalina’s gymnastics…now with tears in my eyes.

It’s ironic how the babyloss mother gets stuck sitting in the viewing area with 2 newborn babies! Of course the viewing room is empty-except the babies and their HAPPY, BLISSFUL moms! It makes me want to fucking SCREAM! Then to top it off someone approaches one of the mothers to oogle over the cute little baby and tell the mom how good she looks for just having a baby! I find cover and run. I can’t take it! Why is it that millions of moms get to live through ignorant bliss while others get to live through the worst pain imaginable. It is almost like someone is dangling Sam’s passing in my face and saying, “this is what you coulda had…”

I just feel trapped in a time frame that will not allow me to cross the line. Between my body doing weird shit and trying to figure out how to live my life with out my son, I feel like I am jumped by a massive, brutal gang every single day. Do you know what it’s like to try and get up after being beaten to a pulp? It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done…live, survive and I have to do that every day of my life.