Through this grieving journey I have had a lot of “first days” and there will be many more to come. I have had the first day I left the house; the first day I went to the mausoleum; first day back to places I was at when I still had Sam. I have anticipated this “first day”, what it would be like, what would people say or not say, how people would react to me, What I would say to people, or how I would act, what steps would I take to get through the day. I have heard a lot from other baby loss moms that sometimes the anticipation is more intense than actually living through a milestone. Today marks a milestone and a day that is equal to the anticipation; my first day back at work.
I am surrounded by a plethora of people that truly care and are extremely supportive. There are people who have been my guiding light through these times. I cannot begin to describe my gratitude for these people. I am lucky to be a part of a work community that is so loving and comforting through these times. I am comforted by their sincere out reach to support me. You all know who you are, thank you just isn’t enough but all I have to offer right now, so…Thank you form the depths of my heart.
Now comes the guilt. The guilt for grieving amongst my peers and my family. The guilt for feeling useless. The guilt for returning to something that was a life before Sam and go about a routine that seems empty. The guilt returning to something that was and leaving Sam at the way side. The guilt that I have towards him, this may sound stupid to some people; I don’t want him to think that I am forgetting about him.
Shame also follows me in my first day back to work. Shame that I am the one crying and not able to function. Shame that I couldn’t do something to change my circumstance. Shame that I lost my son. I know that I have nothing to be shameful of, but it is still an emotion that has crept up.
Today has brought on a whirlwind of emotions that are impossible to sort through. Remember a while back I listed a bunch of emotions that I feel in one day? Well, today, those came rushing on me in an instant. Every time I turned a corner there was a another emotion there waiting for me.
On the way home I saw a rain cloud in the foreground of a bright sun and a beautiful blue sky which reminded me of my day. Me and my grief are the rain cloud that appears amongst the beautiful blue sky. It sticks out like a sore thumb and lets tears sprinkle down then gets lost in the background and eventually doesn’t matter because it is only a small part of the enormous beautiful sky. As I drove all the “supposed to’s” knocked again. I should be driving home with a smile on my face because I am going home to see my kids again after a long day at work. Instead I open the door to be greeted by only one of my children. I am slapped in the face with no crying baby at home needing my immediate attention.
Failure, guilt, sadness, and pain have taunted me today as I have another "first".