Today was a day I wish I was someone else. Someone else besides a baby loss mama. Now, I am not saying I don't want Sam to be my son or have a different baby alive. One single, tenth of a second glimpse, of someone else's happiness of a newborn baby is all it took. I cannot describe the rush of emotions that come to take over my body when a trigger occurs. I sound like I am talking about drugs here. The emotions are overwhelming and controlling. Coming from a control freak, I have to admit these emotions put me powerless. There is one thing that I have been forced to learn after loosing Sam, I have control over nothing! This has been a hard pill to swallow. I don't believe I am equip to handle being who I am; but, I have no choice. I have been given this life and all of the hardships that come with it and there is not a person in the world that can change it or take it away.
Do I wish I was someone else, yes. I don't wish it was ever me that lost my baby. I want to be the one loving on my new baby boy. I want to be the one complaining how hard it is with two kids. I want to be the one taking those cute pictures of Michalina with her little brother. I want to be the one smiling when Michalina plays mommy to her brother. Call it jealousy, call it what you will. I call this love. A love that my son has left me with. I call this an aching desire to be with my ENTIRE family again.
I was always the person that said, "God will never give you more than you can handle." Ha, I laugh at this now. Who would have ever guessed that I would be the one that gets sucker punched in the gut? The cautious one that always took risks only to the point of comfort; I took them far enough, never too far. Who is equipped to bury their child? No one!
Other people's happiness brings sadness. A believer in God means the unthinkable happens; the ultimate test of faith. I don't know if I will pass the test.