Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Friday, August 12, 2011

Someone Else...

Today was a day I wish I was someone else. Someone else besides a baby loss mama. Now, I am not saying I don't want Sam to be my son or have a different baby alive. One single, tenth of a second glimpse, of someone else's happiness of a newborn baby is all it took. I cannot describe the rush of emotions that come to take over my body when a trigger occurs. I sound like I am talking about drugs here. The emotions are overwhelming and controlling. Coming from a control freak, I have to admit these emotions put me powerless. There is one thing that I have been forced to learn after loosing Sam, I have control over nothing! This has been a hard pill to swallow. I don't believe I am equip to handle being who I am; but, I have no choice. I have been given this life and all of the hardships that come with it and there is not a person in the world that can change it or take it away.
Do I wish I was someone else, yes. I don't wish it was ever me that lost my baby. I want to be the one loving on my new baby boy. I want to be the one complaining how hard it is with two kids. I want to be the one taking those cute pictures of Michalina with her little brother. I want to be the one smiling when Michalina plays mommy to her brother. Call it jealousy, call it what you will. I call this love. A love that my son has left me with. I call this an aching desire to be with my ENTIRE family again.
I was always the person that said, "God will never give you more than you can handle." Ha, I laugh at this now. Who would have ever guessed that I would be the one that gets sucker punched in the gut? The cautious one that always took risks only to the point of comfort; I took them far enough, never too far. Who is equipped to bury their child? No one!
Other people's happiness brings sadness. A believer in God means the unthinkable happens; the ultimate test of faith. I don't know if I will pass the test.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry, Stefanie. This place you're walking through is the worst in the world- the absolute, total worst. Keep walking, hun. And remember you're not alone.