Honesty is the best policy

So, some of you have been following me for a bit or have read my "Dear Readers". I think it is safe to assume that you guys know how honest I am with my posting. Then again, there are some of you who are friends and family and have known me for quite some time...
Here is another raw and honest post. I forewarn you that these thoughts are not towards anyone directly, just raw emotions...


Here it goes. When will it get easier to hear about people's perfect little family...of four! Hearing about people's outings with mommy, daddy and kids just makes me want to hurl! Could it be jealousy, absolutley. I don't deny that at all. I also know that it brings up a handful of emotions I'd much rather keep at bay. That sadness, creeps in and manages to bite me and consume me. Hearing about other perfect little family's with no death concerns in the world is like salt in an open wound. When will this feeling go away!! I don't like it, it makes me feel like an awful person. 
I feel like family's live their lives with normalcy and not have to worry about what emblem they are going to put on their son's crypt wall. They go on living a life of innocence and here we are left to live a life in fear that we will be victims of a silent delivery room. Maybe it stings because I am at a point that there is nothing I can do to change or improve on in my situation. I am stuck! Stuck in the realm of grieving. Stuck in this spiral that has no end in sight. I will always be missing my son, he will never be in my arms again, and my daughter will always have a bother she can't play with. I will always be answering questions of death and heaven from a little girl that held her still brother. 


Innocence and naive mindsets are over-rated. Society is a fantasy. 

Random Thoughts

So, over the past week or so I have had some random thoughts that have crossed my mind I thought I would share with my trustee bloggers and followers...


Michalina has said some things that I think are either incredibly intelligent for a 3 year old or they are incredibly cute and need to be noted. So, with that said I will try to write them down and share them with you all.

Michalina-ism #1: "I know, we can hold hands and bounce up to heaven and catch Sam; but, first we have to get some bouncy shoes."


I have been contemplating what is worse...keeping Sam's bedroom door closed or leaving it open. The way I am seeing it this week is, wither way I am filled with a tremendous amount of sadness. With his door closed I am constantly looking at a closed door that should be open and filled with the smell of a new baby. The closed door is a reminder of broken dreams and hopes for a future with my baby boy. Seeing it closed is comparable to a smack in the face. Kinda like someone is laughing at me and my sadness
Now the door open can bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes-all at the same time none the less. The door open makes me smile in remembrance of my sweet Sam. In some weird, twisted way an open door keeps his presence real. On the flip side, the door open brings me tears for the same reasons it is closed. Open, leaves me staring at an empty room that should be filled with baby laughter and smell of baby lotion. Instead I see clothes that were ransacked when we were trying to decide what to burying Sam in, full boxes of diapers, an empty crib, and a framed picture of Sam's hand and footprints in the place he should be sound asleep waiting for a new day. 
For now, the doors remains closed, same as it has for 4 months and 4 days. His room still remains with hurt to tender to touch.




Word to the wise...Do not tell a mother that has just lost her baby that she looks good. This is not a compliment only diarrhea of the mouth from people that have never lost a child after giving birth. Compliments are hard to find for someone that has just lost their child; not much can be taken as a compliment. The only compliment worth giving a grieving mother should be about how they are honoring their child's legacy. Nothing else matters, at least to me.




Taking Michalina to preschool for her first day was not what I ever dreamed it to be. I always thought it would have ben different. I managed to have joy for her; however, sorrow for the "should haves". Once again, it was a reminder of broken hopes and dreams for the future. Preschool is another milestone I will never experience with Sam and Michalina experiences it alone. My baby girl is growing up, she is becoming more independent. If anyone knows Michalina, they know that she is 3 going on 16; preschool has just confirmed that. Sad because my little girl is growing up and sad because her brother is not here to share her experience. 


October 15th is coming up. This is a day that has been marked Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day there will be a balloon release donated by the Sweet Pea Project in South Elgin at Footprints Memorial Park (corner of rt. 31 and state st.). The balloons are biodegradable and filled with seeds in hopes that a plant will be born in remembrance of your baby/child. If you have any questions about the release please email me. All are welcome to attend the release.




Another Illuminate opportunity came to our class, even though we have been long done with the class. Beryl Young, the women behind the Illuminate movement, was contacted by the author of Baby Dust for some pictures for her book trailer. This trailer is just like a movie trailer only for a book. The book is a novel based on five women's story of baby loss; either still birth or miscarriage. The book is due out this fall. Take a look at the trailer; all of the pictures are from ladies in my Illuminate class. Sam and I are featured at the end of the trailer. Please feel free to share this with every one you know-I am a proud parent of an angel! 
Click here----> Baby Dust Book Trailer

Michalina's First Day of Preschool

The Terrible Three

The 3 most terrifying grieving emotions to shake; sadness, hopelessness, and anger. These 3 creep up on you like no other; they are also the hardest ones to shake. They grab hold and are relentless. Their grip is so tight it is almost impossible to breathe. I find myself gasping for air as I try to get rid of these feelings long enough to regain my composure. Just when I think I got it, it sinks its teeth deeper into my heart. I try to talk myself through it-”you can do this, there is only 3 more hours left at work…” But I can’t, I can’t breathe!

These emotions strike with no warning. The boil through me like they are venom from a snake. They are relentless and take a hold me with an immense intensity. It is very hard for me to put it into words what I feel when the terrible three take hold.

Today it was sadness and hopelessness that struck me. The anger was not a part of the nightmare today. Sometimes the sadness and the hopelessness are so consuming that there is no room for anger; but always, sadness and hopelessness are together. For me these two emotions travel in a pair. I have never experienced one without the other.

Anger is a different story because it fills me with so much rage that there isn’t room for much of anything. The anger is ugly and very scary. Anger fills me with thoughts that are extremely disturbing to the ignorant and naive.

I sit here at my desk, in my office with tears rolling down my face uncontrollably. I want so bad to make it through today, but I don’t think I can. I am too far-gone. But I have to. I have to learn how to shelf these emotions for a more appropriate time. This is just another learning curve in my life without my son.

I just want to feel him again…alive.

I love you Sam.

My baby is very real. We are just blind to his wings.

Breathe

Yesterday there were moments that made me crippled with sadness. I visited Sam’s park and was, for what ever reason, buckling at my knees with such a sadness that no one could know unless they have buried their child way too early. I look around at my world and think and feel how unfair the of hand I was dealt. It’s like God is using a trick deck and giving me the shitty cards. I know I am not the only one in the world that feels life is so unfair. However, think of it like this, my unfairness is more about my questions.

I once read an explanation for how a baby/child loss mother lives her life. The explanation was an analogy for winning a Golden Globe or an Emmy for best actress. I have been thinking a lot about this analogy and how true it is. Every day I see people look at me or talk to me like I’m “okay”. I am sure they see me as functioning and taking on tasks that were before Sam and think, “she’s doing okay”, “she’s not ‘grieving’ anymore, she must be done”. Ha! I am far from that! I am shattered inside just trying to keep my head above water. Have you ever wore a pair of pants that are waaayyyy too tight? All day long you are thinking about going home and ripping them off so you can finally breathe. You walk around work making it look like your are so comfortable and go about your daily task because you just can ‘t leave yet. Then, you get home and rip the pants off and can finally relax and be yourself and be comfortable. This is how I feel only I wear grief and pain all day long. I can’t let anyone know that I am so broken inside that my body is screaming with sadness. These kind of emotions make people uncomfortable. When people can’t identify with you, they are give hollowed empathy. They don’t know what to say to you and you don’t expect them to say anything to make you feel better.

I don’t know how long I will feel this way and I don’t know if I will ever feel any different. I will always be the elephant in the room. People will forget my sweet baby boy and I will forever be broken and missing my angel.

We have earned the Best Actress award by a force that was uncontrollable. We have been given this award because no one could ever imagine unless they have been there themselves. We have won this award because we have to belong to a society that cannot identify with the pain that fills us. The award is given to us in solitude and no one is giving a standing ovation.

First Days...

Through this grieving journey I have had a lot of “first days” and there will be many more to come. I have had the first day I left the house; the first day I went to the mausoleum; first day back to places I was at when I still had Sam. I have anticipated this “first day”, what it would be like, what would people say or not say, how people would react to me, What I would say to people, or how I would act, what steps would I take to get through the day. I have heard a lot from other baby loss moms that sometimes the anticipation is more intense than actually living through a milestone. Today marks a milestone and a day that is equal to the anticipation; my first day back at work.

I am surrounded by a plethora of people that truly care and are extremely supportive. There are people who have been my guiding light through these times. I cannot begin to describe my gratitude for these people. I am lucky to be a part of a work community that is so loving and comforting through these times. I am comforted by their sincere out reach to support me. You all know who you are, thank you just isn’t enough but all I have to offer right now, so…Thank you form the depths of my heart.

Now comes the guilt. The guilt for grieving amongst my peers and my family. The guilt for feeling useless. The guilt for returning to something that was a life before Sam and go about a routine that seems empty. The guilt returning to something that was and leaving Sam at the way side. The guilt that I have towards him, this may sound stupid to some people; I don’t want him to think that I am forgetting about him.

Shame also follows me in my first day back to work. Shame that I am the one crying and not able to function. Shame that I couldn’t do something to change my circumstance. Shame that I lost my son. I know that I have nothing to be shameful of, but it is still an emotion that has crept up.

Today has brought on a whirlwind of emotions that are impossible to sort through. Remember a while back I listed a bunch of emotions that I feel in one day? Well, today, those came rushing on me in an instant. Every time I turned a corner there was a another emotion there waiting for me.

On the way home I saw a rain cloud in the foreground of a bright sun and a beautiful blue sky which reminded me of my day. Me and my grief are the rain cloud that appears amongst the beautiful blue sky. It sticks out like a sore thumb and lets tears sprinkle down then gets lost in the background and eventually doesn’t matter because it is only a small part of the enormous beautiful sky. As I drove all the “supposed to’s” knocked again. I should be driving home with a smile on my face because I am going home to see my kids again after a long day at work. Instead I open the door to be greeted by only one of my children. I am slapped in the face with no crying baby at home needing my immediate attention.

Failure, guilt, sadness, and pain have taunted me today as I have another "first".