Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Six Months and Three Weeks...

I sit here in awe at myself. I never thought I would make it to six months and three weeks. There is nothing significant about the date, just that it has been over six months since Sam passed away. I am not only in awe at this I am sickened by it at the same time. How could a mother live that long without seeing her baby, caring for her baby. Now I know, I'm not an idiot, I know that I can't do those things. But, seriously, think about it. What mother can do those things and still breathe everyday and wake every morning?

A mother who has buried her child.

I find myself most days so completely numb to the pain of not having Sam physically in my life that I often forget to live it. I currently can say my status is existing and I am not sure I am comfortable with it. I want to live each day for my son proving his existence and honoring his life.

But how?

I have so many ideas that I just don't know where to start. I have dreams of hosting a site where mother's of loss can visit and know that they will find comfort in Sam's Promise to never forget and never be forgotten. I want now more than anything.

What's the hold!

Do you know that it is almost $800 to get a non-for-profit up and moving in IL? Pretty shitty when all you want to do is help.

Dreams of providing an array of information to parents that have just been stricken with the most horrifying news they will ever hear. I want to comfort them and make sure they know they are and never will be alone in this mess.

There will be more after us...

I am numb by the demands of life, to be a mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, teacher, and friend.

So many shoes to fill. The only one I am comfortable in most of the time is mother.

Mother to an Angel.

Mother to Michalina.

Yuck! Get this costume off of me. Let me talk about my son 24.7. Let me cry when I feel like it. Let me surf the web for hours on end looking and reading about stillbirths and grief. Don't give me responsibilities that I can't and don't want to fulfill.

I can't get enough of everyone's blogs. I would read them all day long. I feed off of the attempt to feel normal or a little less lonely in the abyss of tears.

Then reality sets in...

The earth doesn't stop. I found that out when the cards stopped coming and people stop calling or showing they care. I tried to stop the world when I lost Sam. Nobody cared. The earth does not stand still for anyone! In fact, it doesn't even slow down. I am learning that now with the holiday's. Since I know it won't stop until I can regain my footing, I want to put on my superhero cape and grab hold of the enormous sphere and just slow it the fuck down. But I got no cape and the world still ticks months in advance for the Christmas cheer of spending a boat load of money on shit people don't need. Christmas is at every turn just to stand there and stick it's tongue out and laugh at me in ridicule that it's not slowing down for shit!

With each passing day, I am reminded that I have to still have Christmas with out my adorable 7 month old baby sitting up in his bumbo ready to chew on the wrapping paper that "Santa" picked out special for him. I am forcefully reminded that there are no gifts to be bought for him only mausoleum wall decorations. Christmas and happy families are here and coming at me full force.

Life lesson: The world does not stop when your baby dies and don't think for a second that it's even going to slow down enough for you to take a breath! 


  1. Yes, yes, yes.
    Everything you say is true.
    Today i felt the world moving and i tried with everything in me to jump back on the "treadmill" of life. I failed miserably.
    this loss.... It is paralyzing.
    and I promised my boy that i would live for him too....
    It is messed up that we don't have our babies.
    I am so sorry.
    I am thinking of you.

  2. It's tough. On bad days, I just want to scream, "Be nice to me! My baby died!" But then I realize, nobody cares. I mean, they do but they don't. Life doesn't stop for me and my loss. Every single day is the worst day of someone's life. Unless, it happens to be "your" day... chances are you wouldn't stop to notice. Makes you wonder about life and the impact we each have on each other, huh?

    I'm putting on a brave face for my 3 year old this Christmas. If I didn't have him... I'd put a sign on my door that said, "Don't bother me until January!" I'm so not in the Christmas spirit. They've been playing a 24/7 Christmas radio station at work for about a week now. If that I hear that darn song "All I Want for Christmas" by Mariah Carey, one more time... I'm going to go postal on someone. I've come to HATE that song.

  3. Stef,
    I sit here with tears after reading your recent post. I remember the days of feeling "How can I keeping going without him?" The answer is, I'm not sure how, but we do. You're right about the world not stopping, and I often felt like I was sitting in the middle of a spinning world and didn't know where and when I should jump in. Be kind to yourself my friend. No one is judging and if they are, well....then....ignore them b/c they don't know and they definitely don't understand. For those of us who do know, we understand where you're at and where you wish to be. Your life is changed, it's different and unfortunately there's no "manual." Damn...I so wish there was a manual that could guide me. I will say this, it's a we learn so much from along the way....a journey we are never prepared to walk....a journey we must not run, but walk....a journey where there's a new corner, a new turn, a bend we must take and sometimes we just keep walking not knowing exactly where we are going. Please know you don't walk this journey alone. Many people care and love you and understand.
    Love you friend,

  4. my heart is breaking with you. this sucks. babies shouldn't die.

  5. As your Mom I want to make everything better for you and I can't. I find myself just going through everyday wondering what will tomorrow feel like. Flash backs of sitting waiting to hear I can run in and see Sam with Michalina to watching those doors open and a nurse grabbing me by the arm and saying your daughter is going to need you now. I wanted to scream and stop everything and make our life go backwards. But it doesn't happen. Life just keeps ticking by. So we just keep going on. Christmas if it wasn't for the Grandkids Crystal is right but I would say Jan. 2nd because the first just brings another new year. Christmas is my Blessings of Family and Sam is a big part of our family. I am going to be strong for that reason. I love you so much.