We made it...

We managed to make it throught our first Thanksgiving without Sam. It's not like he was ever really "here" for it to begin with but this falls into the dreams category and an added dose of the parallel life of "should have's".
We started the morning at Sam's park with a simple Dunkin Donuts picnic. We ran into some friends there and they stopped by to wish Sam a happy Thanksgiving too. We took our time there and spent a nice Thanksgiving bagel and donut with our Sam.

Then we get to the part of the day that really sucks. Maybe it is just me but I have had moments since I lost Sam that rub me the wrong way that I would have never noticed before I lost him. Almost as if I have an insensitive radar that is on high alert 24-7. Or maybe it is the holiday season that brings this out in mothers that have lost a baby. But when you hear rumors that "you are depressed" because you are excluding yourself from family gatherings? Oooo that erks me. Or when you start to talk about your son that is no longer with you, people clear the room?

Today went well until I could no longer hold it together anymore. By the end of the day I could barely hold myself together. I know that not everyone's life revolves around my angel baby, but fore real could people just remember and acknowledge his existence? I talked about displaying Sam's picture with the rest of the family and I get dismissed with I haven't thought about it. REALLY! You haven't thought about displaying and proving my son's existence? Oh, I'm sorry did I inconvenience your life by tossing in a bump? I am consumed and forced to live a life that I NEVER planned and you haven't thought about it? How could you not, he's your Grandson. He did exisist. He did live even if it was only inside me. And he is a part of this family. 

What I am learning now is I have to sometimes defend or teach people about grief. I'm am not depressed because I exclude myself from events, I'm fucking grieving the lost of my son! We all do this our own way and the is no right way to do it. THERE ARE NO RULES IN GRIEF! So don't give me or my family your advice on how you think I should be handling my grief. If that means I cannot do the same ol' things that I used to. Then so be it. I am not the same person I used to be. I can't pretend that nothing happened. I can't pretend that my son never existed. I will forever defend him, it's my job as a mother to him.