First Christmas down, forever to go...

Okay, okay I know it has been almost a month since my last post and that is not like me. But, I have had a hard time posting lately. There are many posts that I would run through my head and think okay I will sit down and write it. Then, I chicken out. I don't know why, well I sorta think I know. Since Christmas was fast approaching my anxiety was/is on high octave. Just the mention of Sam's name would put me into tears. People would ask how I was doing and I would have to use everything in my power to not shatter into little pieces. Just the thought of actually starting to write my feelings scared the shit out of me because I knew I would be a sobbing mess.

Sometimes people say the anxiety leading up to the event is worse than the actually event. I don't know if that was entirely true for me. Christmas morning was nice only because I had the light of my life to be happy for. Which she said to us last night, "I don't think you guys got me enough presents." Yep, my child is selfish. So of course, I gave her the talk of children who don't get anything for Christmas and she stopped that talk right away.

In Ashley's words, "you might be a Redneck..."

Anyway, during one of my shopping sprees for Michalina I couldn't help but think that I will be buying nothing for Sam for Christmas except what goes at his "wall". That thought alone made me sick to my stomach. How could I not get my son a Christmas gift? So, I came home and explained to Lucas, in tears, that I got something for him, I want it wrap it and put it under the tree. I don't know what I am going to do with it, but at least I bought something for him that I know he would have loved.

My sister-in-law is amazing. She brought us to tears on Christmas morning by delivering the night before a stocking filled with notes for Sam on his first Christmas. She had all the notes typed and in their own envelopes inside a cute little stocking. The notes were beautiful! They simply took our breath away. It amazes me how compassionate family can be. I am also, floored at the impact my little boy has had on people. It makes me such a proud mommy.
I will treasure these notes for years to come. Words cannot begin to tell you how grateful we are Ashley.

After gifts on Christmas morning we stopped at Sam's park for our usual holiday picnic. Note for next year: DD is closed on Christmas day. So, that was a bit of a bummer.

Rewind, Christmas Eve we took it easy and opted out of the normal routine. We had a quiet lunch at my in-laws. To my surprise, they gifted us a beautiful Willow rosemary Angel. I never knew rosemary was a sign of remembrance.

Back to Christmas day...(sorry for jumping around, there's a lot to say) 


I am again, overwhelmed by they impact of my little boy. We were showered with gifts for Sam. Everything from ornaments for his tree to angel figurines with his name on it. I, of course, sobbed like a baby with gratitude and overwhelming joy my son was not forgotten on Christmas day.

I can honestly say I am proud to be this little boys mommy. Even though he never left me alive he has touched lives beyond my imagination. I am humbled by the power of his life. I pray that this power NEVER lingers and that his memory stays in peoples heart for years to come.

For us, a promise is a promise, we will never forget him.