Bravery and Courage says my husband...

Well, I have sort of good news; I won the photo contest for a photography class I signed up for. The class was posted on the Faces of Loss website. It was asking grieving mothers to sign up for a photography class that would help guide our grieving through photography. I read it and thought, “I’m in.” I love photography and I believe myself to be somewhat artistic. After agreeing to pay the $150 for the class, I saw an opportunity to enter a “vision of motherhood” photo contest to win a free spot in the class. I thought what do I have to loose, so I entered and won! I got the email from the instructor today telling me she loved the picture I submitted and would reimburse the $150 for the course. I couldn’t believe I actually got excited about something. Shit, I surprise myself.

            Speaking of surprising myself…I woke up this morning and thought I would take Michalina to a children’s museum today. I got up and got her dressed and headed towards Glenview. I didn’t want to invite anyone along with me because I think I do better with the triggers when I am alone. I don’t know why this is, but I found out today that it is true. Maybe it is because I know that I have to stay strong and not cry in front of Michalina otherwise she would freak out.

            Today I was surrounded by pregnant women and of course they all had toddlers in tow (they wouldn’t be there otherwise). Yes, it was extremely hard and exhausting. I did have moments of tears, but I some how kept them from streaming down my face. Everywhere I turned there was a pregnant belly in my face or an infant in my view. I have to say, I am not necessarily jealous of their pregnancies, I am jealous of their utter stupidity. I look at them with their smiles on their faces and attitudes of carefreeness and want to scream! I desperately want to take them by their shoulders, shake them, and say,

“You have no idea the risk you are still in. Just because you are weeks from delivery doesn’t mean that your perfect little baby is going to come home with you. I gave birth to a perfect baby 1 month and 5 days ago and I had to leave him at the hospital for an autopsy before I buried him. You are more at risk of delivering a stillborn baby than you are to loose your baby to SIDS. Did your doctor tell you that? And if you are lucky enough to bring that baby home, you better believe you are the luckiest mother. Not only because you do not have to endure the walk of shame by leaving the hospital with empty arms but because you don’t have to bury your baby and live with the question of ‘why’. And if you are one of the lucky mothers, please know that there are millions of mothers out there who, just like you, had normal pregnancy and lost their babies for no reason at all.”

            Now we know I couldn’t do that. That would be crazy! But that is how I feel I want my innocence back! I had that naïve mentality and actually enjoyed two pregnancies. But instead of that blissful attitude I was forced to live with the bitter reality of stillbirths. I am still trying to figure out if there was a reason that I was “chosen” to be the mother of an angel for a reason or if it was a mere “accident”. Or maybe my son’s existence was for someone else and I was just the nurturer. I will never know, but I want my son to have a purpose and if I am the one to carry that out, then so be it.

Why does their baby get to survive and mine doesn’t?

I try to remember only a few lucky people are given the gift of giving birth to an angel and to hold one. I am one of those people. Why?

Michalina leaves rocks for Sam everyday. The next day when we visit, they are gone.  Sam is going to have a big pile of rocks for her when she gets there.