The Spiral effect

           I am having a hard time figuring out how I am feeling lately. I would have to say that I am numb. I am not sure what to feel and how to express it. Michalina gives me the strength to get out of bed everyday. As I have mentioned before, if it wasn’t for her I am not sure that I would be here. It still bothers me that I get to do things with Michalina and for Sam all I can do is sit at a wall and stare and talk to it. This is not how my life is supposed to be, or is it?

While at Sam’s park today I began to understand the feelings I have had for the past couple of days. I had to sit there are contemplate them because they were confusing to me. Since I met with a grief group at church on Monday, I have felt empty, overwhelmed, and numb. I feel that I am on drugs and in another world, living some else’s life. It’s like I’m not really me I’m just watching a movie in front of me. I don’t expect that to make sense to anyone because I am not sure I understand it myself. I go through the motions of being a mother and a member of society. I feel like I have nothing left to give to life but just take up space and count the days. I am just here.

Lucas went to the mausoleum the other day while he was at work. Lucas doesn’t visit very often, not because he doesn’t love Sam, I just think he sees it, as he is not really there; he’s everywhere and anywhere. So anyway, Lucas was on his way to a job and drove passed the cemetery. Of course, he couldn’t drive past he had to stop, even if it was just for a minute. He told me when he walked up to the mausoleum he stopped at the entrance and thought about which way to walk in; either through the entrance in front of him (the area we had the boulder side service) or turn left and enter in through the entrance that is closer to Sam. He chose to walk into the entrance where we had Sam’s service, which is odd because we always walk through the entrance closer to him. As he was walking toward Sam’s wall he sees an Oriole in the water fountain. The Oriole noticed him and flew away.

            This Oriole is significant to us because it is the bird that we saw days before we buried Sam and just after we buried Sam. The last time we saw it Lucas and I were alone at Sam’s wall just after we sealed his crypt. When Lucas and I turned to walk away, we saw the Oriole in the fountain. On that day, it put its head up, looked at us and flew away. When we saw it last, it brought smiles to our faces and gave us a calm feeling. So, when Lucas told me he saw it again, I had to question him. I asked him over and over again, “Are you sure it was the Oriole?” I ask this because of course I did a bit of research after we saw it last. The Oriole is only around us for a short time before it flies south, appearing in IL in late April and early May. So, was this Oriole our baby giving his Daddy a sign to tell him he’s okay and loves him? I believe so.

             

            The new life I am experiencing is something I never thought would be mine. I am still trying to figure out where this new life is going to take me. I don’t agree with this new life but there is no negotiating. I have entered into this community with force. I had no choice and was given no manual. I have to blindly explore the ups and downs of a life with out my son. I periodically reach out for a lifesaver and manage to find someone who has gone or is going through the same thing. There is no leader in this community because there is no one person that could ever be a role model. Everyone is an equal; we are all hurting for the rest of our lives in a continuous spiral of grief. We never heal from our losses only figure out ways to function in a society that has silenced stillbirths. I explore the Internet and see how this community of grieving parents is screaming for society to hear us and no one bothers to turn their head. Instead we live in a society that taps their toe and folds their arms impatiently waiting for us to “get over” our losses; leaving most of us with no explanation for our child entering and leaving this world silently.

            I talk to my doctor today. He had the final results for Sam’s autopsy…nothing! Confirmed, Sam was perfect. There was no linking the inflammation in the placenta to any infection in his body. The placenta was tested for all types of infection and all came back negative, so, the inflammation cannot be connected to Sam being born still. I don’t know how these results make me feel. I feel content because I see it as confirmation that my son was perfect and I see it as frustrating because it gives me no explanation.

My Perfect baby