June 18, 2011
On Thursday, I missed going to Sam’s park for the first time in weeks! It made me sick to think I was “leaving” my son alone. I don’t know why but it makes me feel a bit more like a mother to Sam when I visit him everyday. I catch myself thinking, “What kind of mother would not go visit her son or want to see her son everyday?” I know most people think that is crazy talk, but when you loose your son you feel like you have lost all obligations and responsibility to mother that child. I guess this feeling is hard to explain, only something that will make sense in my head.
Well I think believe I have come to a conclusion that I never thought I would want. I would like to see my name on my “wall” next to Sam. For me, it is sad to see his name there all by himself. When really, his mommy and daddy will be on either side of him. I guess this is my way of showing and proving to him that I am and always will be there for him, next to him. I shared this with Lucas and he actually agreed. So I will try to make an appointment with the cemetery to discuss this option.