Does it ever get easier to breathe? I went to Sam’s park tonight and wept like it was yesterday that Sam was here and gone. I sat there next to his wall and thought of all of the lost hopes and dreams that I had for him, and sobbed. I thought about how I had plans for him on the fourth of July. Which sucked by the way. Fireworks on the fourth of July have lost its magic for me. I sat there on the boat Sunday night and watched the lights change in the sky without a smile on my face and an absence of appreciation in my heart. I used to enjoy seeing the beautiful display that I waited for all year, now I think about broken dreams. Sunday, I just sat there and cried thinking about the plans that I had thought of before I lost my baby. While I was still pregnant I remember thinking and planning, how I was going to watch the fireworks and protect my newborn baby from the boisterous display of freedom. Now I just cry and remember the innocence that was ripped from my life. Fourth of July is hardly a holiday, what are Christmas and Thanksgiving going to be like for me? I can’t bear to think the pain holidays are going to bring me.
Lately I have been feeling the anger emotions and sadness brewing again. I just don’t understand why this happened to me and my family. The sadness makes me want to take Lucas and Michalina and crawl in a hole and never come out. The sadness is overwhelming; I never knew sadness before losing Sam. I mean I have been sad in my life and felt sorry for myself, but after loosing Sam, sadness takes on a whole new feeling. When sadness is truly felt it is consuming.
I still struggle with categorizing my emotions. I read stories of people who have learned to channel their grieving emotions in ways that are remarkable. Me, I just sit there and allow them to consume me because I don’t want people to think I have “moved on”. I talk to people, who know my story, and they caring on conversations just as it were anybody else. I can’t help but think about Sam. Sometimes in conversations I feel like I am listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher; I hear nothing. On the contrary, I am getting pretty good at making it look like I am right there with the person. Normal conversations bring guilt; guilt that I am forgetting Sam. I know that I am not forgetting, but I don’t want people to think I am “moving on” with my life just because I am not crying. There is no “moving on”.
Forever drowning in emotions.
fear, anger, pain, sadness, helplessness, hopeless, broken, loneliness, surrendering, resentful, betrayal, cautious, anguish, emptiness, guilt, monotonous, lost, disbelief, numb, remorse, anxious, envious, and despair
These are my feelings in the course of a day.