Today had its ups and downs. This morning I came to the realization that I truly know what love is like. After loosing Sam, I felt the depths of what love truly is. Before Sam was even a glimmer in my eye, I thought that it would be impossible to love another child of mine more than Michalina. Sam has proved me wrong more than I ever thought. Sam has shown me that I am capable of loving my husband and children more than I ever thought possible. My family is what keeps me breathing, without them I would suffocate. The love that I now experience after Sam’s birth is more intense and more than words can explain. To me, love is something that you feel with every fiber of your body, mind and soul. I love my husband and children more than anything in the world.
Side note: As I was at Sam’s wall tonight I found some new friends. I was crouching down in front of Sam’s wall with my forehead pressed against his cold granite sobbing and talking with him. When I regained some control I stood up and turn to look at the steps, in front of me was a mama raccoon and her three babies. They stayed there for a moment and looked at me, I guess trying to figure out what I was doing or going to do. The babies acted as if they had no fear of me, while the mama cautiously moved about planning her next move. I bend down to put something down on my chair; they didn’t run away. My mind began to process; mama raccoon + babies= protection. I thought, “What is she going to do?” My immediate reaction to that thought was to say out loud, “go on, go away.” And they ran off. Damn! I should have gotten a picture of that!
After I had my time with Sam, I walked around the cemetery a bit. During my walk I found another baby that was born and gain her angel wings that same day, her name is Samantha. Samantha was born 21 years ago.
At Sam’s park I had this feeling creep up on me. It is a feeling I’ve had before but never this intense. As I was crouching in front of his wall, I wanted nothing more than the tear that granite off and reach in and hold my baby’s tiny, white coffin. I don’t know why I want this; I guess it would be to have him close to me again. I feel like the granite wall is a barrier that is keeping me from my son. I just want to hold him again.
We had our Lewy cremated, and we spread his ashes in the ocean a few months later. It took everything I had not to run into the ocean after him. I thought I was ready to let him go, but as soon as the ashes were out of my hand, I felt like we had made a huge mistake. I just wanted him with me. But he is with me in my heart, as Sam is with you.
ReplyDeleteYou have a beautiful way with word Stefanie. I just went back through your posts and I want to give you a big virtual hug. Sometimes I wish we had buried Bella. A friend of mine lost her son at 16 weeks pregnant and they buried him at a location especially for children. They go visit him weekly. Bella was cremated. Her ashes sit in her memory box on our family room entertainment unit. I don't know what to do with them. I think I keep them there so she can be close to me. But I don't feel like where she is now is doing her memory justice. I hope you'll bring your camera on your next visit to Sam. Maybe you'll run into that raccoon family again.
ReplyDeleteI also feel like I experience love more intensely now, along with anger, fear, and sometimes even hope. Everything is magnified.
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