Today had its ups and downs. This morning I came to the realization that I truly know what love is like. After loosing Sam, I felt the depths of what love truly is. Before Sam was even a glimmer in my eye, I thought that it would be impossible to love another child of mine more than Michalina. Sam has proved me wrong more than I ever thought. Sam has shown me that I am capable of loving my husband and children more than I ever thought possible. My family is what keeps me breathing, without them I would suffocate. The love that I now experience after Sam’s birth is more intense and more than words can explain. To me, love is something that you feel with every fiber of your body, mind and soul. I love my husband and children more than anything in the world.
Side note: As I was at Sam’s wall tonight I found some new friends. I was crouching down in front of Sam’s wall with my forehead pressed against his cold granite sobbing and talking with him. When I regained some control I stood up and turn to look at the steps, in front of me was a mama raccoon and her three babies. They stayed there for a moment and looked at me, I guess trying to figure out what I was doing or going to do. The babies acted as if they had no fear of me, while the mama cautiously moved about planning her next move. I bend down to put something down on my chair; they didn’t run away. My mind began to process; mama raccoon + babies= protection. I thought, “What is she going to do?” My immediate reaction to that thought was to say out loud, “go on, go away.” And they ran off. Damn! I should have gotten a picture of that!
After I had my time with Sam, I walked around the cemetery a bit. During my walk I found another baby that was born and gain her angel wings that same day, her name is Samantha. Samantha was born 21 years ago.
At Sam’s park I had this feeling creep up on me. It is a feeling I’ve had before but never this intense. As I was crouching in front of his wall, I wanted nothing more than the tear that granite off and reach in and hold my baby’s tiny, white coffin. I don’t know why I want this; I guess it would be to have him close to me again. I feel like the granite wall is a barrier that is keeping me from my son. I just want to hold him again.