I understand that this weeks assignment was to journal about how we feel; either in light or darkness. I feel my emotions are in constant battle with both throughout the day. There are moments that I feel I am soaked with light and then, out of nowhere; the darkness fills me with sorrow and hurt. Then the light comes peeking back in when I am reminded that I was chosen to give birth to an angel and the angel is my son. Since I have a young daughter that is filled with radiating light, she ensures that I get my fair dosage of happiness.
The way I understand it is, the light reminds me of the darkness and the darkness reminds me of the light. When I am experiencing them, they are only there as a result of the other. Before Sam, I looked at my life mostly in the light, it wasn’t bright but it was shining. I thought that there couldn’t be any other way that I would like for life to take me; it was going good. The problem with that is, my life had no meaningful purpose-it just was. I was just another contributing member of society. Now that Sam has been brought into my life and physically taken all in the same moment, my life has meaning and purpose. I have forcefully joined a society that has been in the shade for years, slowly filling with brave mothers coming into the light and sharing their stories. I am one of those women. I don’t foresee the darkness always following my footsteps, but I see me stepping into the light and taking a stand for all of those angels that never got to live in their temporary home. Although, darkness is always lurking around every corner of my days, there is one shadow that will always follow, Sam’s legacy.
So with that said, I went the route of an object and Sam’s mausoleum as my inspiration. I choose Sam’s wall as an inspiration for a lot of my pictures because it makes me feel close to him. The glass globe in most of the pictures is something I put in the courtyard at the mausoleum right in front of Sam’s wall. I also have one in my backyard, so when they are lit up at night it reminds me of Sam. I also played with shadows a bit. There is a picture of me standing in front of his wall with Sam’s name (or Sam, if you will) in my shadow. In addition to shadow pictures, I walked out of the mausoleum and saw my car parked, alone in the shadows of a tree with the sun blaring above the same tree I park under everyday. Then there is a picture of a storm hovering over the mausoleum. This is how I feel sometimes when I am there, defeated with nowhere to hide from the storm that follows me.