I knew that I would take the pictures in Sam's room. I did that because I strongly believe he is what defines me as a person now. It is because of Sam I can love more intensely than anyone who has never lost a child. It is because of Sam that I do not fear my own death. It is because of Sam that I live each day knowing I am one day closer to hold him again.
Once I entered into his room, I fell apart. I was reminded of his angelic presence. I opened the door and still was expecting to see him sleeping in his crib. I know that may sound ridiculous, but there is always this tiny feeling of hope that this is all just a dream. As I approached his crib, I was reminded of the stinging in my eyes as Lucas and I cried while we sorted through his clothes yet to be put away for his homecoming. It was as if it were just yesterday that we hovered over the crib that Sam was supposed to be laying in to pick out what he was going to where in his casket. No parent should look at newborn onesies and think about what they are going to bury their baby in.
I feel these pictures portray what I was really feeling in the moment I was alone in his room. Complete emptiness, deep sorrow, and the rawness of my reality as a mother of baby loss. You can see in one of the pictures, what I believe is Sam, at my back hugging me and telling me, "I'm here mommy."
The other part of the assignment is a letter to Sam. I may or may not post that...