Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Friday, July 15, 2011

Illuminate's First Photography Assignment...

      As some of you may know, I am taking a photography class for grieving mothers. We had our first assignment this week and that was to create a self-portrait that portrayed our stories. At first I thought, "no big deal, I can do that." Well, went it got down to actually doing it, it was a different story. 
       I knew that I would take the pictures in Sam's room. I did that because I strongly believe he is what defines me as a person now. It is because of Sam I can love more intensely than anyone who has never lost a child. It is because of Sam that I do not fear my own death. It is because of Sam that I live each day knowing I am one day closer to hold him again. 
       Once I entered into his room, I fell apart. I was reminded of his angelic presence. I opened the door and still was expecting to see him sleeping in his crib. I know that may sound ridiculous, but there is always this tiny feeling of hope that this is all just a dream. As I approached his crib, I was reminded of the stinging in my eyes as Lucas and I cried while we sorted through his clothes yet to be put away for his homecoming. It was as if it were just yesterday that we hovered over the crib that Sam was supposed to be laying in to pick out what he was going to where in his casket. No parent should look at newborn onesies and think about what they are going to bury their baby in. 
        I feel these pictures portray what I was really feeling in the moment I was alone in his room. Complete emptiness, deep sorrow, and the rawness of my reality as a mother of baby loss. You can see in one of the pictures, what I believe is Sam, at my back hugging me and telling me, "I'm here mommy." 





The other part of the assignment is a letter to Sam. I may or may not post that...

2 comments:

  1. beautiful pictures! What got me the other day walking into our nursery was the smell...it smelled like all the hopes and dreams I had during my pregnancy, and when I walked in, I felt that hope for a second before my mind could catch up...that we still won't be bringing our baby home :(

    It sounds like a neat class.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Rachel. There will be another session opening Aug. 24th, if you are interested...
    I love being able to express my grief through photography. There is no need to be an avid photographer-I definitely am not. It's just another outlet for us baby loss mamas

    ReplyDelete