My Sign from Sam

July 24, 2011

            I got my sign from Sam today! At least I am pretty sure that it was Sam that was trying to tell me something.

            I wanted to be sure that I made it to Sam’s park before we left for our Florida trip. So, after packing all day today I went to the park around six-ish. I lost it again today with Sam. I have been really missing my baby boy lately. It has been more of an aching than an emotion. I take that back it is an overwhelming emotion. Little things have been setting me off again. I will just start crying because I miss him so much. All I want is to hold him again.

            Anyways, I was sitting with Sam and talking with him about coming with us on his first family vacation and asking him to ride with us in the car tonight. I read him his book like always and took my time visiting with him-crying uncontrollably. When I felt it was time to go, I grabbed my chair and his book, turned around and wham! A yellow Monarch butterfly practically hits me in the face. It flew around Sam’s area for a bit then flew up the stairs and turned left out of the mausoleum. The minute I realized what had almost hit me square in the face I began to sob. I took at seat on the bench and watched the butterfly fly around and all I could say over and over again was “thank you”. I strongly believe that was Sam telling me, “I’m here mommy, I can hear you.”

            You see the yellow Monarch butterfly is important to me because the only other two times that I saw it, it made me think of Sam. I don’t know why it made me think of him but it did. So much so, that I put a yellow butterfly in his vase with his flowers. My baby boy knew that his sign had to be obvious, I just never thought it would be a butterfly in my face.

As a baby loss mother looking for signs that our baby still watches over us and is with us are moments that we cling to. These moments become our new memories of our babies that never got the chance to make memories with us. I think it is their way of bringing smiles to our face. Sign or not, that is a moment that was given to me that has Sam written all over it.

Thank you, Sam. Mommy loves you.