Six Months and Three Weeks...

I sit here in awe at myself. I never thought I would make it to six months and three weeks. There is nothing significant about the date, just that it has been over six months since Sam passed away. I am not only in awe at this I am sickened by it at the same time. How could a mother live that long without seeing her baby, caring for her baby. Now I know, I'm not an idiot, I know that I can't do those things. But, seriously, think about it. What mother can do those things and still breathe everyday and wake every morning?

A mother who has buried her child.

I find myself most days so completely numb to the pain of not having Sam physically in my life that I often forget to live it. I currently can say my status is existing and I am not sure I am comfortable with it. I want to live each day for my son proving his existence and honoring his life.

But how?

I have so many ideas that I just don't know where to start. I have dreams of hosting a site where mother's of loss can visit and know that they will find comfort in Sam's Promise to never forget and never be forgotten. I want now more than anything.

What's the hold up...money!

Do you know that it is almost $800 to get a non-for-profit up and moving in IL? Pretty shitty when all you want to do is help.

Dreams of providing an array of information to parents that have just been stricken with the most horrifying news they will ever hear. I want to comfort them and make sure they know they are and never will be alone in this mess.

There will be more after us...

I am numb by the demands of life, to be a mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, teacher, and friend.

So many shoes to fill. The only one I am comfortable in most of the time is mother.

Mother to an Angel.

Mother to Michalina.

Yuck! Get this costume off of me. Let me talk about my son 24.7. Let me cry when I feel like it. Let me surf the web for hours on end looking and reading about stillbirths and grief. Don't give me responsibilities that I can't and don't want to fulfill.

I can't get enough of everyone's blogs. I would read them all day long. I feed off of the attempt to feel normal or a little less lonely in the abyss of tears.

Then reality sets in...

The earth doesn't stop. I found that out when the cards stopped coming and people stop calling or showing they care. I tried to stop the world when I lost Sam. Nobody cared. The earth does not stand still for anyone! In fact, it doesn't even slow down. I am learning that now with the holiday's. Since I know it won't stop until I can regain my footing, I want to put on my superhero cape and grab hold of the enormous sphere and just slow it the fuck down. But I got no cape and the world still ticks months in advance for the Christmas cheer of spending a boat load of money on shit people don't need. Christmas is at every turn just to stand there and stick it's tongue out and laugh at me in ridicule that it's not slowing down for shit!

With each passing day, I am reminded that I have to still have Christmas with out my adorable 7 month old baby sitting up in his bumbo ready to chew on the wrapping paper that "Santa" picked out special for him. I am forcefully reminded that there are no gifts to be bought for him only mausoleum wall decorations. Christmas and happy families are here and coming at me full force.

Life lesson: The world does not stop when your baby dies and don't think for a second that it's even going to slow down enough for you to take a breath! 

Damn!

You know, sometimes I am so grateful for this blog and others I hate it! I love it because it is my release and my escape from reality. It is my way of reaching out to you mothers that know just how I feel. It is my release to express my emotions when I have no idea how else to express them. 

Then there is the hate. 

When people don't understand why I post things that I do. 

Why I feel the way that I do. 

Things that are said are taken personally and found offensive. 

This is not meant to be...

Where is that damn private button on Blogger? Ugh! I wish that I could block some posts from readers, while others I want to share with all my readers. Sometimes I just prefer Wordpress. 

Sometimes I wish never shared my blog with friends, family or anyone who actually interacts with me on a personal basis. 

This blog is my outlet people; my cigarette, if you will.

If there are issue I need to discuss with you, I will, when my head is clear. Otherwise this is a place for me to sort things through. I may or may not ever confront the issue for my own reasons. Sometimes things just need to lie while others need to rise up when I feel I have my head on straight to deal with it.

Days I regret ever sharing this blog with people other than baby loss mama's....Sigh...

We made it...

We managed to make it throught our first Thanksgiving without Sam. It's not like he was ever really "here" for it to begin with but this falls into the dreams category and an added dose of the parallel life of "should have's".
We started the morning at Sam's park with a simple Dunkin Donuts picnic. We ran into some friends there and they stopped by to wish Sam a happy Thanksgiving too. We took our time there and spent a nice Thanksgiving bagel and donut with our Sam.

Then we get to the part of the day that really sucks. Maybe it is just me but I have had moments since I lost Sam that rub me the wrong way that I would have never noticed before I lost him. Almost as if I have an insensitive radar that is on high alert 24-7. Or maybe it is the holiday season that brings this out in mothers that have lost a baby. But when you hear rumors that "you are depressed" because you are excluding yourself from family gatherings? Oooo that erks me. Or when you start to talk about your son that is no longer with you, people clear the room?

Today went well until I could no longer hold it together anymore. By the end of the day I could barely hold myself together. I know that not everyone's life revolves around my angel baby, but fore real could people just remember and acknowledge his existence? I talked about displaying Sam's picture with the rest of the family and I get dismissed with I haven't thought about it. REALLY! You haven't thought about displaying and proving my son's existence? Oh, I'm sorry did I inconvenience your life by tossing in a bump? I am consumed and forced to live a life that I NEVER planned and you haven't thought about it? How could you not, he's your Grandson. He did exisist. He did live even if it was only inside me. And he is a part of this family. 

What I am learning now is I have to sometimes defend or teach people about grief. I'm am not depressed because I exclude myself from events, I'm fucking grieving the lost of my son! We all do this our own way and the is no right way to do it. THERE ARE NO RULES IN GRIEF! So don't give me or my family your advice on how you think I should be handling my grief. If that means I cannot do the same ol' things that I used to. Then so be it. I am not the same person I used to be. I can't pretend that nothing happened. I can't pretend that my son never existed. I will forever defend him, it's my job as a mother to him. 

Our First Sam Adventure

As I type this I am sitting in front of a warm fireplace with a beautiful hand knit shawl around my shoulders- a gift from the women at the United Methodist Church in MN. Some of you may know that Lucas and I have been blessed with a wonderful opportunity to spend a few days at Faith's Lodge in Northern Wisconsin. From the moment you step foot through the doors you are overwhelmed with emotions. Not bad emotions, emotions of love and hope. I look around me and think how many families have been here before me because they know just what it is like to have lost their child. It's not fair no matter how you look at it, but this place fills you with the love that these families have for their child that has passed. You pull into Faith's Lodge and think what a beautiful place this is and it is all because of a baby named Faith that never got to take a breath. Again, something I wished I never had the opportunity to experience, but I am glad that it is available to parents and families like us.
We just got finished making our stepping stone in memory of Sam. Just being in the same room with other parents all with the same sad purpose is unbelievable. The love that surrounds a parent who has lost a baby or a child is so powerful that only another parent of loss could understand.
The grounds here are amazing; although flatten mostly by the storms this summer there is still a beauty to it. We are staying in Kaitlin's suite or Running Deer suite and we could not have asked for a better view. We are overlooking the pond and the fire pit area. Jane and Evelyn are two women with a heart of gold. This place couldn't be more right for us right now.

Later today, after I drag Lucas away from the puzzle we will go for a short walk. We will see how much of the cold I can handle! Please enjoy the pictures.
I will post later...

Roll call

After doing this blog for quite some time now, I have come to the realization that followers of blogs can be so powerful. What I mean by this is no matter your "label", your comments not only impact me but they have a profound impact on other readers. You may not realize it but your comments after posts or simply having your name on the right hand column under "followers" can make a huge difference. Many of you have sent me emails that are beautiful. I wish that I could share them with the others that read my blog. I understand that some things just need to be kept private bit I encourage you to share your thoughts, feelings, and comments with the other people that read this blog.
So here is my challenge for you… create a google account and follow me on this journey, share your comments and questions. I love to hear from you and I am sure that others will get seething out of it too.

Please check out the blogs from other BLM's from still life with circles. Very powerful!

Spoken Word Blog

I don't know where the nerves came from, but I did it. 

I am participating in Angie's Spoken Word Blog  from Still Life with Circles. Angie came up with this brilliant idea of reading a post via video. It is amazing the comfort you get when you hear a post or a blogger read something that is sooo personal. I am comforted by the fact that these babyloss moms do exist. You read their post and try to feel their emotions at that exact moment- but there is nothing like hearing them and even seeing them. Thank you ladies for your bravery and courage to unite and share your deepest emotions and your babies' legacy with the world! 

Here is a little disclaimer...I did ONE take on this! I thought I would try it again without crying, but I thought "na, screw it!" This is what you get, tears and all! Just like I like it, RAW emotions. This is as real as it gets. I didn't get a 2nd take on May 9th, so why should I get one now...

Please excuse the horrible lighting and all around bad picture; I usually look more put together than this.