I constantly feel like I am living in a prison of grief. The longer I stay here the more comfortable I am feeling living in this state. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, healthy or not. No matter how you look at it, it sucks. I know I am constantly trying to describe how life is for me and my family or I'm struggling to find the words to paint a picture for the outside world to see what and how these emotions feel and effect my life. But...I'm going to do it again. I can't help but think that the pain, the physical pain, a mother suffers after loosing a child can only be compared to the most God awful, slow, and painful torture. Torture like the slowest death imaginable. It's horrible!!! I hate feeling like this, but in the same breath I feel like if I don't feel this way I am disconnected to my son. I wake every morning and think, "this is not fair". Why do I have to keep waking up? Why do I get to live? Living, feels so wrong. I am not saying that I am suicidal in any means, so please don't put me on your suicide watch list. If suicide was an option I wouldn't be talking about this. Do not worry that this would cross my mind.
Michalina has been talking more with Sam. She involves him in her conversations more. It is so cute...and heartbreaking! I love my daughter more than anything; Michalina going to school is a daily confirmation that my baby girl is growing up. Which of course, puts me further from protecting her. You see, when you loose a child you hold the living child that much closer. I don't believe I am becoming overbaring, but I am making sure I do what I can to keep her out of harms way. Selfish? I don't care.