Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Thursday, September 8, 2011


I often wondered if my life is filled with tests that I have repeatedly failed. Just when I feel like I am crouching down to pick up the pieces to begin to glue myself back together, I break all over again. It sometimes feels like one after another I get these hard blows to the gut that knock me to my ass. 

Ever since I gave birth to Sam, my "body", has gone crazy. I have had a really hard time with this. There is no linking to the reason why I lost Sam, so please do not flood me with comments of possible answers! I feel like screaming at God! "Why can't you just cut me a break?" If I can't have my son back just give me my body functioning correctly. I don't want to have to deal with anymore of this shit. Dealing with these additional issues leaves me feeling stuck. Stuck in the realm of a constant reminder that something went wrong in my pregnancy that humans are to blind to see and may never figure out. I feel that this "tests" is one that is shoving and smothering me in the reminder that my son is not here with me.

I also am dealing with the thoughts about a friend. A friend of 16 years that still has not even acknowledged that I lost Sam. I don't know if there is a reason for this or not. Regardless, I would think feelings could be set aside to send a text message. Just feeling extremely hurt by this lack of compassion. I know I am a pretty private person, however, I think once time goes on support matters more. I feel as time moves forward, I need more support because the sense of normalcy is crippling. People move on with their lives and forget that I gave birth to a baby boy that did live, even if it was only inside of my womb. He was a real human being. -maybe she thinks I am contagious- (sorry that was an after thought).

On the flip side of things, there are a couple of friends that have been nothing short of incredibly awesome with support. These friends, I hope they know who they are, have gone out of their way to check in with me-even if it is just through a text. This gives me an indescribable feeling of support. I feel that they have kept my one request alive-never forgetting about Sam. Most of the time it is not even directly acknowledging that I gave birth to Sam, but just simply understand that my life has changed forever and I am a different person. They are not afraid to talk to me and not afraid to mention his name. Comfort. They have given me more than I can ever thank them for. I hope this support lives on forever. Thank you Heather and Sarah from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Staying on the same positive work family is incredible. I have to say that I have a remarkable support system here that is overwhelmingly encouraging. People show me support for my new/changed life. I have wonderful boss that has been truly amazing. She too has given me more than I could have ever asked for. Comfort is what I feel while I am at work; that is more than I could ever ask for. Thank you!

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