Tests

I often wondered if my life is filled with tests that I have repeatedly failed. Just when I feel like I am crouching down to pick up the pieces to begin to glue myself back together, I break all over again. It sometimes feels like one after another I get these hard blows to the gut that knock me to my ass. 


Ever since I gave birth to Sam, my "body", has gone crazy. I have had a really hard time with this. There is no linking to the reason why I lost Sam, so please do not flood me with comments of possible answers! I feel like screaming at God! "Why can't you just cut me a break?" If I can't have my son back just give me my body functioning correctly. I don't want to have to deal with anymore of this shit. Dealing with these additional issues leaves me feeling stuck. Stuck in the realm of a constant reminder that something went wrong in my pregnancy that humans are to blind to see and may never figure out. I feel that this "tests" is one that is shoving and smothering me in the reminder that my son is not here with me.


I also am dealing with the thoughts about a friend. A friend of 16 years that still has not even acknowledged that I lost Sam. I don't know if there is a reason for this or not. Regardless, I would think feelings could be set aside to send a text message. Just feeling extremely hurt by this lack of compassion. I know I am a pretty private person, however, I think once time goes on support matters more. I feel as time moves forward, I need more support because the sense of normalcy is crippling. People move on with their lives and forget that I gave birth to a baby boy that did live, even if it was only inside of my womb. He was a real human being. -maybe she thinks I am contagious- (sorry that was an after thought).


On the flip side of things, there are a couple of friends that have been nothing short of incredibly awesome with support. These friends, I hope they know who they are, have gone out of their way to check in with me-even if it is just through a text. This gives me an indescribable feeling of support. I feel that they have kept my one request alive-never forgetting about Sam. Most of the time it is not even directly acknowledging that I gave birth to Sam, but just simply understand that my life has changed forever and I am a different person. They are not afraid to talk to me and not afraid to mention his name. Comfort. They have given me more than I can ever thank them for. I hope this support lives on forever. Thank you Heather and Sarah from the bottom of my heart, thank you!


Staying on the same positive note...my work family is incredible. I have to say that I have a remarkable support system here that is overwhelmingly encouraging. People show me support for my new/changed life. I have wonderful boss that has been truly amazing. She too has given me more than I could have ever asked for. Comfort is what I feel while I am at work; that is more than I could ever ask for. Thank you!