Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Been a while...

I realize it has been a while since I have posted. So here goes my two cents...
It has been weighing on me lately, the statement people tell you when they see the look of grief on your face-"you are in my prayers". Really? 

I see this as another one of those, "how are you doing?" questions. People really don't care "how you are doing" they just are trying to be polite. Complete strangers even ask the "how are you doing" question. It is just a blanket phrases that is overused and never an intentional question but more of a natural reaction to someones initial presence. If people really meant what they said they would be prepared to hear the truth when they ask "how are you?" 

"I'm shitty. This has been another day from hell. Each day is another reminder that my life is forever changed because I have to figure out how to live without my son. I have to figure out how to raise my daughter without her brother. I have to live with triggers that seem to stalk me where ever I go. I have no choice but to be a member of a group that no one wants to be a part of. I am forced to renew my membership at the price of the most painful cost. I am a mother to an angel. So you ask, 'how am I doing?' I've had better days. I remember what it was like to live a life of innocence and naiveness. I too, used to ask, 'how are you' with out really caring what the answer might actually be. So, tell me, now do you still care to ask how I'm doing?"

So here goes my soap box speech on "your in my prayer" statement. 

If I actually had everyone who says they are praying for me, I think I might have actually had some answered prayers by now. Right? I mean it only sounds logical. Thinking back I probably have at least 1 person every two days say this to me. That is a lot of frickin' people praying  for me. If all of these people mention me and my sorrows to the same God that has my son with him, you would think I would get a little something. Nope. I feel like I have only fallen in to a valley, I change that to a gorge, that is impossible to emerge from. My faith has been rocked so hard that I am unsure this same God that allowed my son to die, is the same God that loves me...and this coming from what used to be a very strong faith person. 

Pray for me. I've said it a million times to people. Do people actually do it? Or is it another one of those statements that is said to people when there is nothing more to offer them? If they were praying like they said they were, wouldn't I have -for lack of better words- better results. I suppose this is another one of those moments were someone will chime in and say, some prayers are meant to be unanswered and it is God's plan. I know, I know. I am learning that I have no control over anything. If that's true, I can't help but feel like a puppet and question free will. Is free will only given for opportunity's to screw up? Alright, I know now I am getting a little to philosophical and deep for some of you readers. But, this is what goes through my mind. 

Pray for my family. Pray for us to be reassured that our little boy is safe in the arms of his creator. Pray honest prayers. Pray for honesty. 

Mean what you say and think about what kind of answer you really would like to hear when you ask someone, "How are you?" and if you are going to tell someone that you are going to pray for them, do it, because they might actually need it. Prayers could be all that is left. 


  1. I hate that we overuse these phrases. And I say "we" because I am definitely included. I think we're all guilty of this from time to time. But you're right, these phrases lose their meaning because we hold them on the tips of our tongues and just throw them around without much thought. And then when someone really does want to know how you are doing or they really are praying for you, you just don't know. You don't know when it's sincere. Anyway, all this to say that I agree with you. :)

  2. I totally agree. It's so hard to hear "I'm praying for you" because that's what people have said all along, and it didn't save our babies. In order to not further damage my relationship with God, I actually didn't pray for my last pregnancy to work out, because every time I prayed and lost a baby, my faith died a little more. I hope someday I can get it back. Today, though, I want to say that I'm so sorry you're in this place- and I honest-to-goodness mean that.

  3. I'm so glad you're back! I have struggled and still struggle with these faith questions. I rarely talk about loss with the outside world so I'm sure everything things I'm just fine now.

    Did you read "Holding onto Hope" by Nancy Guthrie? That book helped me sort out the complicated stuff of believing in God while also suffering this huge loss.