A little Piece of Sam

This was an article shared a while back on Fran's blog over at Small Bird Studios. The article explains how one doctor feels that when women are pregnant that a portion of the baby's cells are forever in the body of the mother. They are to believed to provide protection for the mother.

For me, this is comforting that Sam and Michalina are with me forever-no matter what. I have a part of them with me and they have formed who I am today.

Take a look at the article here. It is worth reading and not very long.

First Christmas down, forever to go...

Okay, okay I know it has been almost a month since my last post and that is not like me. But, I have had a hard time posting lately. There are many posts that I would run through my head and think okay I will sit down and write it. Then, I chicken out. I don't know why, well I sorta think I know. Since Christmas was fast approaching my anxiety was/is on high octave. Just the mention of Sam's name would put me into tears. People would ask how I was doing and I would have to use everything in my power to not shatter into little pieces. Just the thought of actually starting to write my feelings scared the shit out of me because I knew I would be a sobbing mess.

Sometimes people say the anxiety leading up to the event is worse than the actually event. I don't know if that was entirely true for me. Christmas morning was nice only because I had the light of my life to be happy for. Which she said to us last night, "I don't think you guys got me enough presents." Yep, my child is selfish. So of course, I gave her the talk of children who don't get anything for Christmas and she stopped that talk right away.

In Ashley's words, "you might be a Redneck..."

Anyway, during one of my shopping sprees for Michalina I couldn't help but think that I will be buying nothing for Sam for Christmas except what goes at his "wall". That thought alone made me sick to my stomach. How could I not get my son a Christmas gift? So, I came home and explained to Lucas, in tears, that I got something for him, I want it wrap it and put it under the tree. I don't know what I am going to do with it, but at least I bought something for him that I know he would have loved.

My sister-in-law is amazing. She brought us to tears on Christmas morning by delivering the night before a stocking filled with notes for Sam on his first Christmas. She had all the notes typed and in their own envelopes inside a cute little stocking. The notes were beautiful! They simply took our breath away. It amazes me how compassionate family can be. I am also, floored at the impact my little boy has had on people. It makes me such a proud mommy.
I will treasure these notes for years to come. Words cannot begin to tell you how grateful we are Ashley.

After gifts on Christmas morning we stopped at Sam's park for our usual holiday picnic. Note for next year: DD is closed on Christmas day. So, that was a bit of a bummer.

Rewind, Christmas Eve we took it easy and opted out of the normal routine. We had a quiet lunch at my in-laws. To my surprise, they gifted us a beautiful Willow rosemary Angel. I never knew rosemary was a sign of remembrance.

Back to Christmas day...(sorry for jumping around, there's a lot to say) 


I am again, overwhelmed by they impact of my little boy. We were showered with gifts for Sam. Everything from ornaments for his tree to angel figurines with his name on it. I, of course, sobbed like a baby with gratitude and overwhelming joy my son was not forgotten on Christmas day.

I can honestly say I am proud to be this little boys mommy. Even though he never left me alive he has touched lives beyond my imagination. I am humbled by the power of his life. I pray that this power NEVER lingers and that his memory stays in peoples heart for years to come.

For us, a promise is a promise, we will never forget him.

Six Months and Three Weeks...

I sit here in awe at myself. I never thought I would make it to six months and three weeks. There is nothing significant about the date, just that it has been over six months since Sam passed away. I am not only in awe at this I am sickened by it at the same time. How could a mother live that long without seeing her baby, caring for her baby. Now I know, I'm not an idiot, I know that I can't do those things. But, seriously, think about it. What mother can do those things and still breathe everyday and wake every morning?

A mother who has buried her child.

I find myself most days so completely numb to the pain of not having Sam physically in my life that I often forget to live it. I currently can say my status is existing and I am not sure I am comfortable with it. I want to live each day for my son proving his existence and honoring his life.

But how?

I have so many ideas that I just don't know where to start. I have dreams of hosting a site where mother's of loss can visit and know that they will find comfort in Sam's Promise to never forget and never be forgotten. I want now more than anything.

What's the hold up...money!

Do you know that it is almost $800 to get a non-for-profit up and moving in IL? Pretty shitty when all you want to do is help.

Dreams of providing an array of information to parents that have just been stricken with the most horrifying news they will ever hear. I want to comfort them and make sure they know they are and never will be alone in this mess.

There will be more after us...

I am numb by the demands of life, to be a mother, wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, teacher, and friend.

So many shoes to fill. The only one I am comfortable in most of the time is mother.

Mother to an Angel.

Mother to Michalina.

Yuck! Get this costume off of me. Let me talk about my son 24.7. Let me cry when I feel like it. Let me surf the web for hours on end looking and reading about stillbirths and grief. Don't give me responsibilities that I can't and don't want to fulfill.

I can't get enough of everyone's blogs. I would read them all day long. I feed off of the attempt to feel normal or a little less lonely in the abyss of tears.

Then reality sets in...

The earth doesn't stop. I found that out when the cards stopped coming and people stop calling or showing they care. I tried to stop the world when I lost Sam. Nobody cared. The earth does not stand still for anyone! In fact, it doesn't even slow down. I am learning that now with the holiday's. Since I know it won't stop until I can regain my footing, I want to put on my superhero cape and grab hold of the enormous sphere and just slow it the fuck down. But I got no cape and the world still ticks months in advance for the Christmas cheer of spending a boat load of money on shit people don't need. Christmas is at every turn just to stand there and stick it's tongue out and laugh at me in ridicule that it's not slowing down for shit!

With each passing day, I am reminded that I have to still have Christmas with out my adorable 7 month old baby sitting up in his bumbo ready to chew on the wrapping paper that "Santa" picked out special for him. I am forcefully reminded that there are no gifts to be bought for him only mausoleum wall decorations. Christmas and happy families are here and coming at me full force.

Life lesson: The world does not stop when your baby dies and don't think for a second that it's even going to slow down enough for you to take a breath! 

Damn!

You know, sometimes I am so grateful for this blog and others I hate it! I love it because it is my release and my escape from reality. It is my way of reaching out to you mothers that know just how I feel. It is my release to express my emotions when I have no idea how else to express them. 

Then there is the hate. 

When people don't understand why I post things that I do. 

Why I feel the way that I do. 

Things that are said are taken personally and found offensive. 

This is not meant to be...

Where is that damn private button on Blogger? Ugh! I wish that I could block some posts from readers, while others I want to share with all my readers. Sometimes I just prefer Wordpress. 

Sometimes I wish never shared my blog with friends, family or anyone who actually interacts with me on a personal basis. 

This blog is my outlet people; my cigarette, if you will.

If there are issue I need to discuss with you, I will, when my head is clear. Otherwise this is a place for me to sort things through. I may or may not ever confront the issue for my own reasons. Sometimes things just need to lie while others need to rise up when I feel I have my head on straight to deal with it.

Days I regret ever sharing this blog with people other than baby loss mama's....Sigh...