Regrets...

At Sam’s park today I started out doing good, not crying just enjoying the peacefulness his final resting place brings me. Until, I crouched down in front of him, as I always do, I kiss his wall and tell him how much I love him. I lost it again. I was crying so hard I was echoing in the mausoleum. I didn’t care if anyone heard me or saw me-I was blasted with emotions that have been dormant for a couple of days. I don’t know what it is about me crouching down in front of him that gets me every time. I kneel there and picture the exact set up of the inside of his crypt. I know where everything is placed; I almost wished I had taken a picture of it. I will have to do a sketch of it sometime just to keep it fresh in my head.

            On my way home I began to think of things that I never really gave a through look at before. I mean I have thought about it before just never really took the time to figure out why I thought about it. I still don’t know why I have the feelings I do about it. The it I am referring to are the words that I spoke to Sam in the hospital. I don’t regret the words I spoke; I just wished that it were more. I can tell you exactly the three phrases I spoke to his lifeless body: “Mommy loves you”, “I Love You”, and “I’m so sorry”. Those phrases are so burned into my brain the play constantly in my head all day long. Those phrases have become my background music to the life I try to live with out Sam in my arms. I don’t think I wanted to express hopes and dreams to him, but I just wanted to say more. I didn’t want to tell him of my hopes and dreams for him because I somehow do want him to think he has let me down. I still have a hard time expressing those broken dreams and empty hopes. My baby isn’t here and I am still trying to protect him… I don’t exactly know what more is, but those three phrases are all I could think of to express how I feel.

            I also was reminded of things I regret not doing with him in the time that I did have him. I guess I am thinking of these things because now the reality is setting in that I will never have that time with him again. Those hours that I was able to hold my sweet baby boy in my arms were, what felt like seconds. I wish that I snuggled with him more and held him different ways. I don’t know why these things are important to me now. I can only lean on the reason that these would have given me more memories. I am at a stage that I an desperately hanging on to any memory that I can to help me hold him just a tiny bit closer. The only reason that I can think of why I didn’t snuggle him or hold him as if he were alive is because I was afraid of hurting him. I know that sounds ridiculous because he was already an angel, but I was trying to protect him from any further harm. I guess I already felt like I let him down in the worst possible way, I didn’t want to hurt his fragile tiny body.

Only if life had a rewind button… Would I change the way I held him or the things I said to him? Or would I change the circumstance?

            Work is just around the corner. I am a nervous wreck about going back. If I could just quit I would. You know me, anything to avoid the situation. I think it is just the reality of life without my baby that will really be in full swing and nothing to stop it. I don’t want to be doing “better”. Eww, I hate that word; so filled with guilt. I am trying to avoid it, but I know it will be here soon and I will have to go through the motions.

Illuminate's First Photography Assignment...

      As some of you may know, I am taking a photography class for grieving mothers. We had our first assignment this week and that was to create a self-portrait that portrayed our stories. At first I thought, "no big deal, I can do that." Well, went it got down to actually doing it, it was a different story. 
       I knew that I would take the pictures in Sam's room. I did that because I strongly believe he is what defines me as a person now. It is because of Sam I can love more intensely than anyone who has never lost a child. It is because of Sam that I do not fear my own death. It is because of Sam that I live each day knowing I am one day closer to hold him again. 
       Once I entered into his room, I fell apart. I was reminded of his angelic presence. I opened the door and still was expecting to see him sleeping in his crib. I know that may sound ridiculous, but there is always this tiny feeling of hope that this is all just a dream. As I approached his crib, I was reminded of the stinging in my eyes as Lucas and I cried while we sorted through his clothes yet to be put away for his homecoming. It was as if it were just yesterday that we hovered over the crib that Sam was supposed to be laying in to pick out what he was going to where in his casket. No parent should look at newborn onesies and think about what they are going to bury their baby in. 
        I feel these pictures portray what I was really feeling in the moment I was alone in his room. Complete emptiness, deep sorrow, and the rawness of my reality as a mother of baby loss. You can see in one of the pictures, what I believe is Sam, at my back hugging me and telling me, "I'm here mommy." 

The other part of the assignment is a letter to Sam. I may or may not post that...

Love...

             Today had its ups and downs. This morning I came to the realization that I truly know what love is like. After loosing Sam, I felt the depths of what love truly is. Before Sam was even a glimmer in my eye, I thought that it would be impossible to love another child of mine more than Michalina. Sam has proved me wrong more than I ever thought. Sam has shown me that I am capable of loving my husband and children more than I ever thought possible. My family is what keeps me breathing, without them I would suffocate. The love that I now experience after Sam’s birth is more intense and more than words can explain. To me, love is something that you feel with every fiber of your body, mind and soul. I love my husband and children more than anything in the world.

Side note: As I was at Sam’s wall tonight I found some new friends. I was crouching down in front of Sam’s wall with my forehead pressed against his cold granite sobbing and talking with him. When I regained some control I stood up and turn to look at the steps, in front of me was a mama raccoon and her three babies. They stayed there for a moment and looked at me, I guess trying to figure out what I was doing or going to do. The babies acted as if they had no fear of me, while the mama cautiously moved about planning her next move. I bend down to put something down on my chair; they didn’t run away. My mind began to process; mama raccoon + babies= protection. I thought, “What is she going to do?” My immediate reaction to that thought was to say out loud, “go on, go away.” And they ran off. Damn! I should have gotten a picture of that!

After I had my time with Sam, I walked around the cemetery a bit. During my walk I found another baby that was born and gain her angel wings that same day, her name is Samantha. Samantha was born 21 years ago.

At Sam’s park I had this feeling creep up on me. It is a feeling I’ve had before but never this intense. As I was crouching in front of his wall, I wanted nothing more than the tear that granite off and reach in and hold my baby’s tiny, white coffin. I don’t know why I want this; I guess it would be to have him close to me again. I feel like the granite wall is a barrier that is keeping me from my son. I just want to hold him again. 

Breathing hasn't gotten easier...

    Does it ever get easier to breathe? I went to Sam’s park tonight and wept like it was yesterday that Sam was here and gone. I sat there next to his wall and thought of all of the lost hopes and dreams that I had for him, and sobbed. I thought about how I had plans for him on the fourth of July. Which sucked by the way. Fireworks on the fourth of July have lost its magic for me. I sat there on the boat Sunday night and watched the lights change in the sky without a smile on my face and an absence of appreciation in my heart. I used to enjoy seeing the beautiful display that I waited for all year, now I think about broken dreams. Sunday, I just sat there and cried thinking about the plans that I had thought of before I lost my baby. While I was still pregnant I remember thinking and planning, how I was going to watch the fireworks and protect my newborn baby from the boisterous display of freedom. Now I just cry and remember the innocence that was ripped from my life. Fourth of July is hardly a holiday, what are Christmas and Thanksgiving going to be like for me? I can’t bear to think the pain holidays are going to bring me.

            Lately I have been feeling the anger emotions and sadness brewing again. I just don’t understand why this happened to me and my family. The sadness makes me want to take Lucas and Michalina and crawl in a hole and never come out. The sadness is overwhelming; I never knew sadness before losing Sam. I mean I have been sad in my life and felt sorry for myself, but after loosing Sam, sadness takes on a whole new feeling. When sadness is truly felt it is consuming.

I still struggle with categorizing my emotions. I read stories of people who have learned to channel their grieving emotions in ways that are remarkable. Me, I just sit there and allow them to consume me because I don’t want people to think I have “moved on”. I talk to people, who know my story, and they caring on conversations just as it were anybody else. I can’t help but think about Sam. Sometimes in conversations I feel like I am listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher; I hear nothing. On the contrary, I am getting pretty good at making it look like I am right there with the person. Normal conversations bring guilt; guilt that I am forgetting Sam. I know that I am not forgetting, but I don’t want people to think I am “moving on” with my life just because I am not crying. There is no “moving on”.

Forever drowning in emotions.

fear, anger, pain, sadness, helplessness, hopeless, broken, loneliness, surrendering, resentful, betrayal, cautious, anguish, emptiness, guilt, monotonous, lost, disbelief, numb, remorse, anxious, envious, and despair

These are my feelings in the course of a day.

Just breathe.