I'm not sure I know where to begin. I've thought about this post for weeks. How I'm going to tell my fellow bloggers what it's like to birth s rainbow and the emotions that come with it, but I've delayed. Partially intentional and partly not.
I just have yet to sort through these emotions. I don't even know where to begin. I almost feel like I'm in those early stages of grief again. Those days I felt twenty emotions all at once. I live day to day knowing and feeling incomplete while gazing I to the eyes of joy. I can't look at Vivianna with out thinking how happy she has made me…us. But I also see my son. This doesn't make me sad it just makes me think. If that makes any sense. She is here because he is not.
I listen to the random Michalina-ism's and my heart melts. Today she told the lady I've become close with at Sam's park, "look isn't she the cutest alive baby ever?"
Why does she have to live this life. The life of a selected four year old to have held her dead brother. The life of a big sister that has to visit a mausoleum to "see" her brother.
I look at her interacting with V and see a family missing one. We will always be incomplete. I will always be missing my little boy.
A life I still wouldn't trade. A life touched by my angel boy.