I constantly feel like I am living in a prison of grief. The longer I stay here the more comfortable I am feeling living in this state. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, healthy or not. No matter how you look at it, it sucks. I know I am constantly trying to describe how life is for me and my family or I'm struggling to find the words to paint a picture for the outside world to see what and how these emotions feel and effect my life. But...I'm going to do it again. I can't help but think that the pain, the physical pain, a mother suffers after loosing a child can only be compared to the most God awful, slow, and painful torture. Torture like the slowest death imaginable. It's horrible!!! I hate feeling like this, but in the same breath I feel like if I don't feel this way I am disconnected to my son. I wake every morning and think, "this is not fair". Why do I have to keep waking up? Why do I get to live? Living, feels so wrong. I am not saying that I am suicidal in any means, so please don't put me on your suicide watch list. If suicide was an option I wouldn't be talking about this. Do not worry that this would cross my mind.
Michalina has been talking more with Sam. She involves him in her conversations more. It is so cute...and heartbreaking! I love my daughter more than anything; Michalina going to school is a daily confirmation that my baby girl is growing up. Which of course, puts me further from protecting her. You see, when you loose a child you hold the living child that much closer. I don't believe I am becoming overbaring, but I am making sure I do what I can to keep her out of harms way. Selfish? I don't care.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Honesty is the best policy
So, some of you have been following me for a bit or have read my "Dear Readers". I think it is safe to assume that you guys know how honest I am with my posting. Then again, there are some of you who are friends and family and have known me for quite some time...
Here is another raw and honest post. I forewarn you that these thoughts are not towards anyone directly, just raw emotions...
Here it goes. When will it get easier to hear about people's perfect little family...of four! Hearing about people's outings with mommy, daddy and kids just makes me want to hurl! Could it be jealousy, absolutley. I don't deny that at all. I also know that it brings up a handful of emotions I'd much rather keep at bay. That sadness, creeps in and manages to bite me and consume me. Hearing about other perfect little family's with no death concerns in the world is like salt in an open wound. When will this feeling go away!! I don't like it, it makes me feel like an awful person.
I feel like family's live their lives with normalcy and not have to worry about what emblem they are going to put on their son's crypt wall. They go on living a life of innocence and here we are left to live a life in fear that we will be victims of a silent delivery room. Maybe it stings because I am at a point that there is nothing I can do to change or improve on in my situation. I am stuck! Stuck in the realm of grieving. Stuck in this spiral that has no end in sight. I will always be missing my son, he will never be in my arms again, and my daughter will always have a bother she can't play with. I will always be answering questions of death and heaven from a little girl that held her still brother.
Innocence and naive mindsets are over-rated. Society is a fantasy.
Here is another raw and honest post. I forewarn you that these thoughts are not towards anyone directly, just raw emotions...
Here it goes. When will it get easier to hear about people's perfect little family...of four! Hearing about people's outings with mommy, daddy and kids just makes me want to hurl! Could it be jealousy, absolutley. I don't deny that at all. I also know that it brings up a handful of emotions I'd much rather keep at bay. That sadness, creeps in and manages to bite me and consume me. Hearing about other perfect little family's with no death concerns in the world is like salt in an open wound. When will this feeling go away!! I don't like it, it makes me feel like an awful person.
I feel like family's live their lives with normalcy and not have to worry about what emblem they are going to put on their son's crypt wall. They go on living a life of innocence and here we are left to live a life in fear that we will be victims of a silent delivery room. Maybe it stings because I am at a point that there is nothing I can do to change or improve on in my situation. I am stuck! Stuck in the realm of grieving. Stuck in this spiral that has no end in sight. I will always be missing my son, he will never be in my arms again, and my daughter will always have a bother she can't play with. I will always be answering questions of death and heaven from a little girl that held her still brother.
Innocence and naive mindsets are over-rated. Society is a fantasy.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Random Thoughts
So, over the past week or so I have had some random thoughts that have crossed my mind I thought I would share with my trustee bloggers and followers...
Michalina has said some things that I think are either incredibly intelligent for a 3 year old or they are incredibly cute and need to be noted. So, with that said I will try to write them down and share them with you all.
Michalina-ism #1: "I know, we can hold hands and bounce up to heaven and catch Sam; but, first we have to get some bouncy shoes."
I have been contemplating what is worse...keeping Sam's bedroom door closed or leaving it open. The way I am seeing it this week is, wither way I am filled with a tremendous amount of sadness. With his door closed I am constantly looking at a closed door that should be open and filled with the smell of a new baby. The closed door is a reminder of broken dreams and hopes for a future with my baby boy. Seeing it closed is comparable to a smack in the face. Kinda like someone is laughing at me and my sadness
Now the door open can bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes-all at the same time none the less. The door open makes me smile in remembrance of my sweet Sam. In some weird, twisted way an open door keeps his presence real. On the flip side, the door open brings me tears for the same reasons it is closed. Open, leaves me staring at an empty room that should be filled with baby laughter and smell of baby lotion. Instead I see clothes that were ransacked when we were trying to decide what to burying Sam in, full boxes of diapers, an empty crib, and a framed picture of Sam's hand and footprints in the place he should be sound asleep waiting for a new day.
For now, the doors remains closed, same as it has for 4 months and 4 days. His room still remains with hurt to tender to touch.
Word to the wise...Do not tell a mother that has just lost her baby that she looks good. This is not a compliment only diarrhea of the mouth from people that have never lost a child after giving birth. Compliments are hard to find for someone that has just lost their child; not much can be taken as a compliment. The only compliment worth giving a grieving mother should be about how they are honoring their child's legacy. Nothing else matters, at least to me.
Taking Michalina to preschool for her first day was not what I ever dreamed it to be. I always thought it would have ben different. I managed to have joy for her; however, sorrow for the "should haves". Once again, it was a reminder of broken hopes and dreams for the future. Preschool is another milestone I will never experience with Sam and Michalina experiences it alone. My baby girl is growing up, she is becoming more independent. If anyone knows Michalina, they know that she is 3 going on 16; preschool has just confirmed that. Sad because my little girl is growing up and sad because her brother is not here to share her experience.
October 15th is coming up. This is a day that has been marked Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day there will be a balloon release donated by the Sweet Pea Project in South Elgin at Footprints Memorial Park (corner of rt. 31 and state st.). The balloons are biodegradable and filled with seeds in hopes that a plant will be born in remembrance of your baby/child. If you have any questions about the release please email me. All are welcome to attend the release.
Another Illuminate opportunity came to our class, even though we have been long done with the class. Beryl Young, the women behind the Illuminate movement, was contacted by the author of Baby Dust for some pictures for her book trailer. This trailer is just like a movie trailer only for a book. The book is a novel based on five women's story of baby loss; either still birth or miscarriage. The book is due out this fall. Take a look at the trailer; all of the pictures are from ladies in my Illuminate class. Sam and I are featured at the end of the trailer. Please feel free to share this with every one you know-I am a proud parent of an angel!
Click here----> Baby Dust Book Trailer
Michalina has said some things that I think are either incredibly intelligent for a 3 year old or they are incredibly cute and need to be noted. So, with that said I will try to write them down and share them with you all.
Michalina-ism #1: "I know, we can hold hands and bounce up to heaven and catch Sam; but, first we have to get some bouncy shoes."
I have been contemplating what is worse...keeping Sam's bedroom door closed or leaving it open. The way I am seeing it this week is, wither way I am filled with a tremendous amount of sadness. With his door closed I am constantly looking at a closed door that should be open and filled with the smell of a new baby. The closed door is a reminder of broken dreams and hopes for a future with my baby boy. Seeing it closed is comparable to a smack in the face. Kinda like someone is laughing at me and my sadness
Now the door open can bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes-all at the same time none the less. The door open makes me smile in remembrance of my sweet Sam. In some weird, twisted way an open door keeps his presence real. On the flip side, the door open brings me tears for the same reasons it is closed. Open, leaves me staring at an empty room that should be filled with baby laughter and smell of baby lotion. Instead I see clothes that were ransacked when we were trying to decide what to burying Sam in, full boxes of diapers, an empty crib, and a framed picture of Sam's hand and footprints in the place he should be sound asleep waiting for a new day.
For now, the doors remains closed, same as it has for 4 months and 4 days. His room still remains with hurt to tender to touch.
Word to the wise...Do not tell a mother that has just lost her baby that she looks good. This is not a compliment only diarrhea of the mouth from people that have never lost a child after giving birth. Compliments are hard to find for someone that has just lost their child; not much can be taken as a compliment. The only compliment worth giving a grieving mother should be about how they are honoring their child's legacy. Nothing else matters, at least to me.
Taking Michalina to preschool for her first day was not what I ever dreamed it to be. I always thought it would have ben different. I managed to have joy for her; however, sorrow for the "should haves". Once again, it was a reminder of broken hopes and dreams for the future. Preschool is another milestone I will never experience with Sam and Michalina experiences it alone. My baby girl is growing up, she is becoming more independent. If anyone knows Michalina, they know that she is 3 going on 16; preschool has just confirmed that. Sad because my little girl is growing up and sad because her brother is not here to share her experience.
October 15th is coming up. This is a day that has been marked Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day there will be a balloon release donated by the Sweet Pea Project in South Elgin at Footprints Memorial Park (corner of rt. 31 and state st.). The balloons are biodegradable and filled with seeds in hopes that a plant will be born in remembrance of your baby/child. If you have any questions about the release please email me. All are welcome to attend the release.
Another Illuminate opportunity came to our class, even though we have been long done with the class. Beryl Young, the women behind the Illuminate movement, was contacted by the author of Baby Dust for some pictures for her book trailer. This trailer is just like a movie trailer only for a book. The book is a novel based on five women's story of baby loss; either still birth or miscarriage. The book is due out this fall. Take a look at the trailer; all of the pictures are from ladies in my Illuminate class. Sam and I are featured at the end of the trailer. Please feel free to share this with every one you know-I am a proud parent of an angel!
Click here----> Baby Dust Book Trailer
Michalina's First Day of Preschool
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tests
I often wondered if my life is filled with tests that I have repeatedly failed. Just when I feel like I am crouching down to pick up the pieces to begin to glue myself back together, I break all over again. It sometimes feels like one after another I get these hard blows to the gut that knock me to my ass.
Ever since I gave birth to Sam, my "body", has gone crazy. I have had a really hard time with this. There is no linking to the reason why I lost Sam, so please do not flood me with comments of possible answers! I feel like screaming at God! "Why can't you just cut me a break?" If I can't have my son back just give me my body functioning correctly. I don't want to have to deal with anymore of this shit. Dealing with these additional issues leaves me feeling stuck. Stuck in the realm of a constant reminder that something went wrong in my pregnancy that humans are to blind to see and may never figure out. I feel that this "tests" is one that is shoving and smothering me in the reminder that my son is not here with me.
I also am dealing with the thoughts about a friend. A friend of 16 years that still has not even acknowledged that I lost Sam. I don't know if there is a reason for this or not. Regardless, I would think feelings could be set aside to send a text message. Just feeling extremely hurt by this lack of compassion. I know I am a pretty private person, however, I think once time goes on support matters more. I feel as time moves forward, I need more support because the sense of normalcy is crippling. People move on with their lives and forget that I gave birth to a baby boy that did live, even if it was only inside of my womb. He was a real human being. -maybe she thinks I am contagious- (sorry that was an after thought).
On the flip side of things, there are a couple of friends that have been nothing short of incredibly awesome with support. These friends, I hope they know who they are, have gone out of their way to check in with me-even if it is just through a text. This gives me an indescribable feeling of support. I feel that they have kept my one request alive-never forgetting about Sam. Most of the time it is not even directly acknowledging that I gave birth to Sam, but just simply understand that my life has changed forever and I am a different person. They are not afraid to talk to me and not afraid to mention his name. Comfort. They have given me more than I can ever thank them for. I hope this support lives on forever. Thank you Heather and Sarah from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
Staying on the same positive note...my work family is incredible. I have to say that I have a remarkable support system here that is overwhelmingly encouraging. People show me support for my new/changed life. I have wonderful boss that has been truly amazing. She too has given me more than I could have ever asked for. Comfort is what I feel while I am at work; that is more than I could ever ask for. Thank you!
Ever since I gave birth to Sam, my "body", has gone crazy. I have had a really hard time with this. There is no linking to the reason why I lost Sam, so please do not flood me with comments of possible answers! I feel like screaming at God! "Why can't you just cut me a break?" If I can't have my son back just give me my body functioning correctly. I don't want to have to deal with anymore of this shit. Dealing with these additional issues leaves me feeling stuck. Stuck in the realm of a constant reminder that something went wrong in my pregnancy that humans are to blind to see and may never figure out. I feel that this "tests" is one that is shoving and smothering me in the reminder that my son is not here with me.
I also am dealing with the thoughts about a friend. A friend of 16 years that still has not even acknowledged that I lost Sam. I don't know if there is a reason for this or not. Regardless, I would think feelings could be set aside to send a text message. Just feeling extremely hurt by this lack of compassion. I know I am a pretty private person, however, I think once time goes on support matters more. I feel as time moves forward, I need more support because the sense of normalcy is crippling. People move on with their lives and forget that I gave birth to a baby boy that did live, even if it was only inside of my womb. He was a real human being. -maybe she thinks I am contagious- (sorry that was an after thought).
On the flip side of things, there are a couple of friends that have been nothing short of incredibly awesome with support. These friends, I hope they know who they are, have gone out of their way to check in with me-even if it is just through a text. This gives me an indescribable feeling of support. I feel that they have kept my one request alive-never forgetting about Sam. Most of the time it is not even directly acknowledging that I gave birth to Sam, but just simply understand that my life has changed forever and I am a different person. They are not afraid to talk to me and not afraid to mention his name. Comfort. They have given me more than I can ever thank them for. I hope this support lives on forever. Thank you Heather and Sarah from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
Staying on the same positive note...my work family is incredible. I have to say that I have a remarkable support system here that is overwhelmingly encouraging. People show me support for my new/changed life. I have wonderful boss that has been truly amazing. She too has given me more than I could have ever asked for. Comfort is what I feel while I am at work; that is more than I could ever ask for. Thank you!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The Terrible Three
The 3 most terrifying grieving emotions to shake; sadness, hopelessness, and anger. These 3 creep up on you like no other; they are also the hardest ones to shake. They grab hold and are relentless. Their grip is so tight it is almost impossible to breathe. I find myself gasping for air as I try to get rid of these feelings long enough to regain my composure. Just when I think I got it, it sinks its teeth deeper into my heart. I try to talk myself through it-”you can do this, there is only 3 more hours left at work…” But I can’t, I can’t breathe!
These emotions strike with no warning. The boil through me like they are venom from a snake. They are relentless and take a hold me with an immense intensity. It is very hard for me to put it into words what I feel when the terrible three take hold.
Today it was sadness and hopelessness that struck me. The anger was not a part of the nightmare today. Sometimes the sadness and the hopelessness are so consuming that there is no room for anger; but always, sadness and hopelessness are together. For me these two emotions travel in a pair. I have never experienced one without the other.
Anger is a different story because it fills me with so much rage that there isn’t room for much of anything. The anger is ugly and very scary. Anger fills me with thoughts that are extremely disturbing to the ignorant and naive.
I sit here at my desk, in my office with tears rolling down my face uncontrollably. I want so bad to make it through today, but I don’t think I can. I am too far-gone. But I have to. I have to learn how to shelf these emotions for a more appropriate time. This is just another learning curve in my life without my son.
I just want to feel him again…alive.
I love you Sam.
My baby is very real. We are just blind to his wings.
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