I had a horrible dream last night. I dream the is sort of a possibility, but only to people who have experienced the "impossible".
I had a dream she was going to die. I had to say goodbye to the little girl who has helped put light back into my life.
Here's the dream-like part; I knew how, when, and what time she was going to die. I remember clearly in my dreams being forced to say goodbye, begging with fate to not allow this to happen; to change its mind.
Just like reality, I knew it was a loosing battle and I cried over her still breathing body and wanting to tell her all the things I needed to tell her. But of course all I could think of was, "mommy loves you."
I woke frantic after my poor attempt at goodbye to be staring right at her, still sound asleep ignorant to my horrible nightmare.
I laid there watching her chest, up and down, in and out…and the dream begins to replay in my mind.
Tears begin to roll down my face. I could only see her silhouette through the ocean that has formed in my eyes.
I can't loose her too.
That statement has become a frequent one lately. Sometimes as a quiet whisper and sometimes said out loud.
I guess it is creeping around more often because I will be heading back to work in a few short weeks.
What if she dies while I'm at work?
Sick. I know but that's my reality.
I don't want to head back to work not just because of the whole fear of her dying while I'm not around but because I just don't want to leave her. I want to be with her, them all the time. I fear I'm going to miss something. The something that could change everything. The something that could be marked a milestone.
She only wants me. Does she sense my fear? Does she know? Does she feel the same?
Nightmares and fears.
Fears and reality.
Reality and death.