Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Friday, September 21, 2012

Death and Fear

I had a horrible dream last night. I dream the is sort of a possibility, but only to people who have experienced the "impossible".

I had a dream she was going to die. I had to say goodbye to the little girl who has helped put light back into my life.

Here's the dream-like part; I knew how, when, and what time she was going to die. I remember clearly in my dreams being forced to say goodbye, begging with fate to not allow this to happen; to change its mind.

Just like reality, I knew it was a loosing battle and I cried over her still breathing body and wanting to tell her all the things I needed to tell her. But of course all I could think of was, "mommy loves you."

I woke frantic after my poor attempt at goodbye to be staring right at her, still sound asleep ignorant to my horrible nightmare.

I laid there watching her chest, up and down, in and out…and the dream begins to replay in my mind.

Tears begin to roll down my face. I could only see her silhouette through the ocean that has formed in my eyes.

I can't loose her too.

That statement has become a frequent one lately. Sometimes as a quiet whisper and sometimes said out loud.

I guess it is creeping around more often because I will be heading back to work in a few short weeks.

What if she dies while I'm at work?

Sick. I know but that's my reality.

I don't want to head back to work not just because of the whole fear of her dying while I'm not around but because I just don't want to leave her. I want to be with her, them all the time. I fear I'm going to miss something. The something that could change everything. The something that could be marked a milestone.

She only wants me. Does she sense my fear? Does she know? Does she feel the same?

Nightmares and fears.
Fears and reality.
Reality and death.

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