Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Sam is an angel that was brought into my life. Here is our journey back home...

Friday, July 6, 2012

6 days and counting…

Well in less than 1 week I will be bringing another baby into this world. My induction date has been set for Thursday. Needless to say I am a nervous wreck. So much so that I am barely sleeping at night.

I'm scared!

Scared I'm going to not make it to Thursday.
Scared I'm going to deliver in a silent delivery room…again.
Scared I'm going to let my excited daughter and family down again.
Scared I'm going to have to memorize another one of my babies faces quickly before death takes over.
Scared I'm going to have a little lifeless hand in mine with purple little nails not not squeezing back.
Scared that all the joy I've allowed myself to have these past couple weeks is going to be crushed…again.
Scared to relive the worst and possibly more again.

I want so bad to be excited. I thank this little girl every time she moves. I thank her for those reminders that she is still alive. I am joyful and grateful for her life and treasure every deco d I have with her. Just scared that God is going to tear it from me any second. Or worse yet, allow me to gaze into her beautiful eyes only to say goodbye.

Please God rid me of these awful thoughts and feelings. I'm too weak to hold this weight of worry and grief. Free me from these thoughts. Free me from terror of evil. Help me.

I'm scared.


  1. Looks like our rainbows will share a birthday. My section is scheduled for the 12th.

    I feel the The terror keeps creeping in regardless of what I do. Staying positive is getting harder and harder, that's for sure.

    Praying for you and the little one momma! We'll have our rainbows before we know it! Sending you lots of strength.

    1. Thank you Mary. It's so hard to curb those yucky thoughts and emotions. Wishing you and you rainbow much love and joy.

  2. Oh, so exciting! I know you are scared (me too, a few weeks behind you), but I'm hoping and praying you will get to experience the joy of a crying and healthy baby! I can't wait for an update!!!