Well in less than 1 week I will be bringing another baby into this world. My induction date has been set for Thursday. Needless to say I am a nervous wreck. So much so that I am barely sleeping at night.
Scared I'm going to not make it to Thursday.
Scared I'm going to deliver in a silent delivery room…again.
Scared I'm going to let my excited daughter and family down again.
Scared I'm going to have to memorize another one of my babies faces quickly before death takes over.
Scared I'm going to have a little lifeless hand in mine with purple little nails not not squeezing back.
Scared that all the joy I've allowed myself to have these past couple weeks is going to be crushed…again.
Scared to relive the worst and possibly more again.
I want so bad to be excited. I thank this little girl every time she moves. I thank her for those reminders that she is still alive. I am joyful and grateful for her life and treasure every deco d I have with her. Just scared that God is going to tear it from me any second. Or worse yet, allow me to gaze into her beautiful eyes only to say goodbye.
Please God rid me of these awful thoughts and feelings. I'm too weak to hold this weight of worry and grief. Free me from these thoughts. Free me from terror of evil. Help me.