She's here...

Well without further a due...I had my rainbow on Thursday! Vivianna Samantha was born at 3:51 pm. Of course named partly after her big brother. She is doing well and so is the rest of our family. I will post more of her birth story when I have a bit more time. I wanted to share her picture and arrival with you all because I know some of you have been patiently waiting.
Thank you all for you continued prayers and thoughts throughout this journey. I couldn't have done it with out you.

Waiting...

Time seems to be moving at a snail's pace as I sit here waiting to be induced and meet our new addition. I am overwhelmingly calm. I know that I have no control over the outcome of today. I am here and doing what I am supposed to be doing, the rest is up to God. Now I know God and I have not been very cordial this past year. But I think it is for good reason on my part. I have had a very difficult time being able to put my full trust in him like I had May 8, 2011. I have admittedly kept him at arm's distance. I fully accept that he is in control of this life I lead, although that is hard at times to swallow. I know that there is only so much I can do.

Today I have missed Sam more than I have in a long time. I miss holding him and feeling his skin. Don't get me wrong there is not a split second that goes by that I don't miss or think about him, but today, on my indication day he is really on my mind and heart. I hope he is here with me in the room. I hope he is sitting right next to me snuggling up and keeping me calm.
I love you baby boy.

The nurses have been great so far. They were nice enough to put us in a new room so it looks nothing like the room we delivered Sam and Michalina in. Yea, it makes us a little bit more comfortable, but what I think is really putting us at ease is this experience so far is way different than our last two kids. However, now that I type that I am reminding myself of the unknowns. The unknowns are also what scares the shit out of me. I don't know what it is going to be like to actually know that I am going to go into labor. With both my other children I went so fast and was in denial the whole time to even think about what was actually happening. With this one, I have time to think. If anyone knows me well, ring me time to think is not always a good thing.

How to curb anticipation...

The Unknown

I have less than 1 day to go before I meet my new addition to my family. I sit her in the glider that I hope I am holding my little girl in by the weekend nursing her and filling her healthy body with nutrition.
But I can't shake all of the pressure that come with Thursday.
People are praying for her safety and health at this very moment. They are also praying for her arrival. Praying for her to arrive alive. I can't help but think this is my responsibility to do so. I mean who else is going to do that? I never thought the pressure to deliver a live baby would be so much!

Now I know no one means to put this pressure on me. In fact I am putting pressure on myself. But man, is it overwhelming!

I just pray that I have a living, breathing, healthy baby in my arms Thursday.

6 days and counting…

Well in less than 1 week I will be bringing another baby into this world. My induction date has been set for Thursday. Needless to say I am a nervous wreck. So much so that I am barely sleeping at night.

I'm scared!

Scared I'm going to not make it to Thursday.
Scared I'm going to deliver in a silent delivery room…again.
Scared I'm going to let my excited daughter and family down again.
Scared I'm going to have to memorize another one of my babies faces quickly before death takes over.
Scared I'm going to have a little lifeless hand in mine with purple little nails not not squeezing back.
Scared that all the joy I've allowed myself to have these past couple weeks is going to be crushed…again.
Scared to relive the worst and possibly more again.

I want so bad to be excited. I thank this little girl every time she moves. I thank her for those reminders that she is still alive. I am joyful and grateful for her life and treasure every deco d I have with her. Just scared that God is going to tear it from me any second. Or worse yet, allow me to gaze into her beautiful eyes only to say goodbye.

Please God rid me of these awful thoughts and feelings. I'm too weak to hold this weight of worry and grief. Free me from these thoughts. Free me from terror of evil. Help me.

I'm scared.