Before the Morning

Early in my grieving I posted a lot on the Babycenter forums for mothers of stillborn babies . In my months of posting, desperately wanting to connect to people like me, I met a women that sent me this song, Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. It is a Christian song, so when I found that out I was reluctant for a couple of reasons. My first reason was because I was never one for Christian music, I don't know why, but some songs really bothered me. My second reason, I was more angry at God than I ever have been. I blamed God, I sometimes still do, that he took or allowed my son's death. It was the last thing on my mind- listen to a Christian song possibly about a God who took my son from me. It wasn't happening. 


Months passed and I came across it again. I clicked on the link and began listening. Oh, I think it was after the first verse I was in tears! I have grown to love this song. It is a song that fills me and comforts all of the emotions I have on a daily basis. This song gives me permission to hope and be sad at the same time. 


I am really trying to fill my life with hope lately. I want to believe so bad that there is life after loosing my only son. I want to believe and trust in the God that has him cradled in his arms. I want to find hope that I will be able to take a baby home and relive the life of a newborn in my house. 


That is exactly what this has been for me, a dare. A dare that taunts me into believing in the morning that I will wake up with my little boy in my arms again. But then some how the guard goes up to protect my broken heart from hurting again. I try, I need to believe there is a reason to live. To live with hope. Love. Purpose.


...just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning... This is just what life is for me. Every morning I wake up knowing I have to fight the a good fight to make it through another day with a gaping hole in my heart. In my life. The hole will never be filled. Not by another baby. Not by some grief advice. Not by the love of the people around me. Sam is a missing part of my life that I have to some how find hope in. 


The dark before the morning is horrible. Filled with such anticipation. I cling to this song to find hope in the morning waiting for me. The blazing light blinding as I reach for my little boys hand thats been waiting for me. 
Hope.

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON