I don't know why I am surprised by this feeling. I shouldn't be because I have felt this overwhelming emotion many of times. But this time I can't stop thinking about it.
I was at Sam's Park on Sunday, just as I do every week, and the feeling got me. Empty arms. I sat with my arms aching with emptiness. It's like reality cam whipping around the corner again, pointing at my arms and laughing. Grief is funny sometimes. I almost feel like it's mocking me at times.
There was nothing different this time. I walked down the pathway to the mausoleum with Michalina, my chair, camera, and book in tow. This time required a flower change since Valentines day was long gone. I opened my chair and began to cut stems and prepare the bouquet for a new spring look. Michalina rode her bike around the courtyard as I did my thing. She is pretty used to the routine. When I was done, I sat there. Empty. I did what I had come to do. Now what? I was still left with arms that are empty and heavy at the same time.
It's that heavy empty feeling that has been with me since Sunday. Why is this new to me? My arms have been empty since May 9, 2011. Maybe it's the anticipation of the upcoming month of May. I don't want May to come, yet I want it to hurry up and go. Ah, anticipation. That's a whole other post.
Just feeling heavy with emptiness lately.