Empty.

I don't know why I am surprised by this feeling. I shouldn't be because I have felt this overwhelming emotion many of times. But this time I can't stop thinking about it.

I was at Sam's Park on Sunday, just as I do every week, and the feeling got me. Empty arms. I sat with my arms aching with emptiness. It's like reality cam whipping around the corner again, pointing at my arms and laughing. Grief is funny sometimes. I almost feel like it's mocking me at times.

There was nothing different this time. I walked down the pathway to the mausoleum with Michalina, my chair, camera, and book in tow. This time required a flower change since Valentines day was long gone. I opened my chair and began to cut stems and prepare the bouquet for a new spring look. Michalina rode her bike around the courtyard as I did my thing. She is pretty used to the routine. When I was done, I sat there. Empty. I did what I had come to do. Now what? I was still left with arms that are empty and heavy at the same time.

It's that heavy empty feeling that has been with me since Sunday. Why is this new to me? My arms have been empty since May 9, 2011. Maybe it's the anticipation of the upcoming month of May. I don't want May to come, yet I want it to hurry up and go. Ah, anticipation. That's a whole other post.

Just feeling heavy with emptiness lately.

Before the Morning

Early in my grieving I posted a lot on the Babycenter forums for mothers of stillborn babies . In my months of posting, desperately wanting to connect to people like me, I met a women that sent me this song, Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. It is a Christian song, so when I found that out I was reluctant for a couple of reasons. My first reason was because I was never one for Christian music, I don't know why, but some songs really bothered me. My second reason, I was more angry at God than I ever have been. I blamed God, I sometimes still do, that he took or allowed my son's death. It was the last thing on my mind- listen to a Christian song possibly about a God who took my son from me. It wasn't happening. 


Months passed and I came across it again. I clicked on the link and began listening. Oh, I think it was after the first verse I was in tears! I have grown to love this song. It is a song that fills me and comforts all of the emotions I have on a daily basis. This song gives me permission to hope and be sad at the same time. 


I am really trying to fill my life with hope lately. I want to believe so bad that there is life after loosing my only son. I want to believe and trust in the God that has him cradled in his arms. I want to find hope that I will be able to take a baby home and relive the life of a newborn in my house. 


That is exactly what this has been for me, a dare. A dare that taunts me into believing in the morning that I will wake up with my little boy in my arms again. But then some how the guard goes up to protect my broken heart from hurting again. I try, I need to believe there is a reason to live. To live with hope. Love. Purpose.


...just fight the good fight because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning... This is just what life is for me. Every morning I wake up knowing I have to fight the a good fight to make it through another day with a gaping hole in my heart. In my life. The hole will never be filled. Not by another baby. Not by some grief advice. Not by the love of the people around me. Sam is a missing part of my life that I have to some how find hope in. 


The dark before the morning is horrible. Filled with such anticipation. I cling to this song to find hope in the morning waiting for me. The blazing light blinding as I reach for my little boys hand thats been waiting for me. 
Hope.

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON 

Helpless

Really missing my baby boy today. I don't cry everyday, but when I do, I let it out. I am not one that can control the level to which I cry. I don't know if it is because I'm not feeling the greatest today, but man do I miss that little guy. You know when you are sick and you have that feeling of helplessness. Well feeling cruddy just amplifies that for me.

With both of my kids I was never one to take belly pictures while I was pregnant with them. I think with Michalina I have one about a week before I delivered her and that is it. If there was any "belly pics" they were unintentional and a a family gathering. I just never thought I looked very good pregnant. I was large, round, and just unattractive. I am not one that was small to begin with so for me pregnant means house.

So, I was looking back at pictures today from Michalina's 3rd birthday party just days before I had Sam. I came across a photo that was candid while we were opening her gifts. You can see just how large I am. But now, I treasure that picture. I look at the smile on my face and the ignorance written all over my face. I see a girl who was just going through the movements of being a mom to a 3 year old, being pregnant, and working full time. A girl who is trying to balance life with out enjoying the small things. A girl that will, in days, live through the worse thing imaginable. I feel sorry for this girl. I am haunted, although never publicly admitted, by the regrets I have with my little boy.

I regret not soaking up every moment I had with him alive.

I regret not taking belly pics.

I regret taking his life for granted.

I regret not documenting his life while he was alive. Now I am left trying to keep his memory alive.

Never once did I think of what could have happened. I feel like during my pregnancies I must have taken a invisible teen pill. Remember being a teenager and having that invisible feeling the "it won't happen to me" attitude. I had that. As bad as I want it back I feel sorry for that stupid girl. 

I do remember one thing. On that day, the day of her party, I remember having a friend feel Sam pushing what I imagined was his butt towards my belly. I loved that moment. I wished I remembered more moments like that. The moments when Sam was alive. The moments I will never be able to get back. 

Stupid girl. 

Jaded

This is a post that has been weeks in the making. So, I am sorry it took so long for it to actually be finished. I will apologize a head of time for any disconnects and confusion this post may bring.

There has been something on my mind that I feel desperate need to write about, it has only been recently that I knew how to put my feelings into words. Desperate in a kind of way like I need to write to organize and release some emotions. Recently I was put into a situation were I have felt my character, my grief, my decisions, and my new journey have all been judged; all by the unexpected.

Of course this was all completed indirectly; you know with out actually saying this. I am I guess once you experience grief like we have I believe we are put into a category unlike any other. We have experienced the ultimate. To bury our babies our young children. I'm sorry if I offend others but there is no comparison; not a sick child, not the loss of a sibling/parent/spouse, not even a handicap child. I'm not saying that these are not terrible things to go through. These all come with there own set of trials, heartache, and challenges. I'm saying that they cannot be compared. I can't even compare my loss to another stillbirth. I may be able to relate in some ways better than someone who has had the loss of a loved one. But I cannot say I know just how they feel. That would be unfair.

I also know that each journey is different. Even thought it may seem "fine" from the outside doesn't mean that person is not shattered and tattered on the inside. I have no right to pass judgement on their decisions or character. There is one thing I've learned thus far, things and people are not what they seem.

I guess what it comes down to is this, I feel like my grief has been judged and disrespected. I feel I was asked to complete tasks that I was not ready to do and be a person I cannot be at this time. As selfish as that sounds only a baby loss parent could understand.

I found this quote on Pintrest the other day. I feel this sums up exactly how I feel.

Only trust someone who can see these three things in you

The Sorrow behind your smile,

The Love behind your anger,

and the Reason behind your silence.