Memories and Moments

I relived some memories today. Memories I didn't expect to effect me like they did. The last time I was in the birthing unit at the hospital I delivered both my children at, I was given the news that would change my life forever. I was nervous going there and the days leading up to my appointment there but I didn't think i would step off the elevator and feel my heart thumping all the way down in my feet.

We had a scheduled BPP today. Not because there is anything wrong but because I'm trying to do everything in my power to monitor this baby.

We entered room 312 for our NST and a brief conversation with a nurse that was as sweet as pie. She could see our pain and sorrow. She made a note on our file to keep us out of room
310, the room we spent 24 hours with the news that our precious boy was not coming home with us. She held my hand as I sat there and cried. She hugged me when I needed it and reassured me she would do what she needed to to make us comfortable.

I laid there hooked up to the monitors and watched as the baby accelerated and decelerated as I calmed down. When I first arrived, the baby illustrated my stress and anxiety with high peaks and no relaxation. I was able to calm down enough to get a fantastic NST reading and an 8 out of 8 on the BPP.

Being back in those rooms felt like I was drowning in a sea of grief and pain. I stared at myself in the mirror in the bathroom glaring at the gown. That gown took me right back to the moments of excitement before i delivered Sam.

Moments before my world came crumbling down around me.

Crying knowing I was going to be strapped on the bed for monitoring just the same as I did, again moments, before my world was shattered.

Moments.

These moments that meant nothing to me a year ago are not marked by the death of my son.

Moments of excitement quickly, I mean quickly, followed by gut wrenching news.

All in all I'm glad I was able to enter the birthing unit and the rooms that gave me such agony before I deliver this baby. It gave me a test run I never could imagine. I felt comfortable, uneasy, and anxious all at the same time today.

Moments I anticipate.
Moments I will never forget.