Jaded

This is a post that has been weeks in the making. So, I am sorry it took so long for it to actually be finished. I will apologize a head of time for any disconnects and confusion this post may bring.

There has been something on my mind that I feel desperate need to write about, it has only been recently that I knew how to put my feelings into words. Desperate in a kind of way like I need to write to organize and release some emotions. Recently I was put into a situation were I have felt my character, my grief, my decisions, and my new journey have all been judged; all by the unexpected.

Of course this was all completed indirectly; you know with out actually saying this. I am I guess once you experience grief like we have I believe we are put into a category unlike any other. We have experienced the ultimate. To bury our babies our young children. I'm sorry if I offend others but there is no comparison; not a sick child, not the loss of a sibling/parent/spouse, not even a handicap child. I'm not saying that these are not terrible things to go through. These all come with there own set of trials, heartache, and challenges. I'm saying that they cannot be compared. I can't even compare my loss to another stillbirth. I may be able to relate in some ways better than someone who has had the loss of a loved one. But I cannot say I know just how they feel. That would be unfair.

I also know that each journey is different. Even thought it may seem "fine" from the outside doesn't mean that person is not shattered and tattered on the inside. I have no right to pass judgement on their decisions or character. There is one thing I've learned thus far, things and people are not what they seem.

I guess what it comes down to is this, I feel like my grief has been judged and disrespected. I feel I was asked to complete tasks that I was not ready to do and be a person I cannot be at this time. As selfish as that sounds only a baby loss parent could understand.

I found this quote on Pintrest the other day. I feel this sums up exactly how I feel.

Only trust someone who can see these three things in you

The Sorrow behind your smile,

The Love behind your anger,

and the Reason behind your silence.

Congenital Heart Defect Week

In honor of my fellow baby loss mothers, my niece, my dear friend and her son Braden, and a friend that recently lost her son with a CHD, I need to share some awareness about CHD. CHD effects 1 in every 100 births. There is an adorable picture of my niece with a cute lil' onesie on saying, "I'm 1 in 100", I wish I could get my hands on it. I would love to share my niece's story but I am not sure my brother would approve. Let's just say she truly is a miracle in the making. This little girl fills you with sunshine the minute you lock eyes with her. She has endured more than most children her age and has conquered more obstacles than we ever thought possible. She is a true inspiration!

There are tons of outlets out there if you or someone you know has CHD or has a baby/child with CHD. Mended Little Hearts has been a help to many families I know. Here is a page on their site that has a load of resources.

Francesca at Small Bird Studios has had a guess blogger on the other day to share awareness on this matter. Click on this link and take five minutes to read about Cora.

This Valentines Day and all through February, don't just think of the cute lil' hearts that cover cutesy cards and decorations, think about the hearts that are scared, broken, and mended and spread the word about CHD.

Congenital Heart Defect Week February 7-14.

Heart of Gold Charity in Braden Petska's memory.

Just another day

First I have to get something off my chest. After being home sick for almost 2 weeks, yes, 2 weeks. I have watched my fair share of TLC. Well, yesterday they really were promoting the premiere of the 19 and counting new season. They even were showing clips from the latest babies funereal and when the parents found out about the loss of the baby (sorry I don't know names). Even promoting how much their lives have changed and how they will make it through this as a family.

But, did you catch something...

It's still called 19 and Counting.

What type of bull shit is that? Is TLC now recognizing their stillborn baby, Jubilee,  as a Duggar? What kind of message are they trying to send the "normal" society we families of loss are walking among. This precious life needs to be recognized and remembered. Just as she mentions in her letter to Jubilee, she has 21 children, "19 here and 2 in heaven".
Michelle Duggar shares a beautiful letter she wrote to Jubilee.




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I also had to share a post from Fran over at Small Bird Studio's. This post is incredible. She gives a beautiful insight to the world of a baby loss mother. Her words flow so smoothly when describing the feeling that are forever with us.

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!

I have support around me that is nothing short of amazing! The group at work that gets together to brighten or shed a glimpse of hope every week has yet again shown me how absolutely amazing they are. The pooled their money together to get me this custom necklace from Jewel Kade. Feel free it Pin It. 

This was a gift that was given out of the kindness of their hearts. Not because they felt obligated to give me something or because they felt sorry for me. They gave because they truly care. 

I often wonder what it would be like without my support group at work. Work, the place I have to go to everyday and put on a smiling face for staff and students who are blind to the pain I feel every second of every day. How do people survive? I hear horror stories of people that have been asked to remove their baby's pictures from their desk because it makes other uncomfortable. Or a workplace that didn't even acknowledge the loss by mailing a simple card. 

My husband is one of those people. He has no support at work what so ever. Here we are over eight months out from loosing Sam and he still is having to explain Sam's absence to employee's. It makes me sick that coorporate assholes care for nothing but their own profits. Now don't get me wrong, Lucas' direct boss is great, in his own way but anyone else there is just beyond shitty. 

Think about it, there are women who are dealing with the same thing. Not that men should have discredited grief by any means. We don't even have a right to take a leave of absence in Illinois because our baby has died. What type of shit is that? 

I makes me sad to know my husband os one of the people going at this grief journey with one less support group at his side and he is not the only one. Man, that fires me up. Make me want to do something. Sam's Promise.

All in all I  am able to clearly see how grateful I am for the support system I have. Without it I would crumble. 

So thank you "Tommy's group" you are my rock! 

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So, I can't mention one cool necklace with out mentioning my other awesome surprise. My parents got my this amazing necklace that I have been eyeballing since Fran posted about it a few months back. The necklace is from Sue Ella Signatures. It is again, nothing short of amazing. She did an outstanding job fitting everything I wanted on it. If you look closely you will see Sam's hand and foot prints along with his name at the bottom. Those are his actually prints, not actually size-come on he was full term but we sent over a scanned copy of his prints and she used those to make them.

Now I have two beautiful necklaces to remind myself of my little boy and a way to have him with me where ever I go. These things mean the world to me. 

Thank you mom and dad.

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On a side note....I had a student ask me for the first time about Sam. There was two girl students who asked about my tattoo's. I told them they were for my children. They asked how old they were, I told them "my daughter is 3.5  and my son passed away in May". They were of course surprised by my response. They were not expecting me to say what I had to say about my child. They did go on to ask how he died. I told them, "I don't know why." I tried to stay true to Sam and myself. They and I were saved by the bell after that. They were sympathetic and saddened to hear the news as I was to share it. This was the first I talked about Sam to any of my students, no one has ever asked. I don't expect them to, they are junior high students.