I'm still here….

It's true. I'm still here. Still here in the grieving. Trying to deal with what life brings and walking a life with a piece of my heart missing.
I've wanted to write, just haven't had the words to express where I'm at. Which I'm not entirely sure where that is either.
I'm stuck. Those are the only words I can think of that can explain where I stand.

I have dreams.
Don't know how to get there. Or maybe I'm just too chicken shit to take the steps. I want to be bold yet fear takes over and squeezes with great force.

I envision the mom I want to be. Yet I still yell at the girls for the stupidest things, then feel horrible.

I want to grieve.
Yet I feel I'm in a choke hold and feel I can't breath long enough to let it go.

When I can grieve, it's never enough. Never satisfying. An addiction I guess. I cry. feel better for a bit then look to cry again just to lift the weight a pinch.

Life gets in the way of grieving. Hard to find the balance between reality and a fantasy.

...a never ending balancing act between my child who isn't here and my family who is.

The Terrible Three

The 3 most terrifying grieving emotions to shake; sadness, hopelessness, and anger. These 3 creep up on you like no other; they are also the hardest ones to shake. They grab hold and are relentless. Their grip is so tight it is almost impossible to breathe. I find myself gasping for air as I try to get rid of these feelings long enough to regain my composure. Just when I think I got it, it sinks its teeth deeper into my heart. I try to talk myself through it-”you can do this, there is only 3 more hours left at work…” But I can’t, I can’t breathe!

These emotions strike with no warning. The boil through me like they are venom from a snake. They are relentless and take a hold me with an immense intensity. It is very hard for me to put it into words what I feel when the terrible three take hold.

Today it was sadness and hopelessness that struck me. The anger was not a part of the nightmare today. Sometimes the sadness and the hopelessness are so consuming that there is no room for anger; but always, sadness and hopelessness are together. For me these two emotions travel in a pair. I have never experienced one without the other.

Anger is a different story because it fills me with so much rage that there isn’t room for much of anything. The anger is ugly and very scary. Anger fills me with thoughts that are extremely disturbing to the ignorant and naive.

I sit here at my desk, in my office with tears rolling down my face uncontrollably. I want so bad to make it through today, but I don’t think I can. I am too far-gone. But I have to. I have to learn how to shelf these emotions for a more appropriate time. This is just another learning curve in my life without my son.

I just want to feel him again…alive.

I love you Sam.

My baby is very real. We are just blind to his wings.