MISS

I had another MISS Foundation support group meeting last night and I left feeling weird. I don't know exactly what that means, but this is how it all went down. 


I was able to, for the first time, get through my story without crying. I think it might have been because I have a short and condensed version since we had three new people there with us. I left and still did not cry. This sort of bothers me. 


Lately, I have felt so numb that there is nothing that could rock me. Yeah, I may get teary eyes about something. But for the most part I feel like I could get beaten by a mob and not feel a thing. This scares me. I feel disconnected from my feelings and from Sam. I should cry, crying keeps me in a reality check. I know, I know some of you are thinking, it's okay to not cry. For me it's not. This puts me in a place of anger and disconnect. 


I am feeling that I am on the outside looking in at this poor girl who gave birth to her son who never took a breath outside of her womb. I feel sorry for this girl and wish she didn't have to live a life like this; a life filled with mausoleum visits and a constant need to honor her son that few have met. This girl is someone who is lost in a world of loss and grieving. A girl who will always live a life filled with "what if's". A girl who is forever changed by an angel she never got to tell him she loves him. A girl who would give her life to bring her son back.  That girl that I watch everyday is me walking in a life that I never thought I would live or try to live.






Maybe these feelings of numbness are a result of the much anticipated family gathering tomorrow. It will be the first gathering that I am attending with my husband's family. It would be such a big deal if a cousin did have a baby boy one month after me. The only difference is she got to bring her baby home and lay him in a crib, I got to lay mine in a crypt. I don't know why, but it bothers me. Of course, this is no fault of her, but it is the unintentional slap in the face that I don't have my son in my arms. Just thinking about the baby noises he will make or the crying he will let out makes me sick to my stomach because those are the sounds that I miss and yearn for sooo badly. Silence haunts me. It is not the kind of silence like you may think. Silence to me is something so much more. Silence to me is not hearing my Sam cry or make those cute little grunting noises that infants do. Hearing another baby do that in place of mine is earth shattering and crippling. It immediately puts me back to May 9, 2011, in a delivery room filled only with silent tears as my son slipped into this world only to have never entered it. It puts me in the silent delivery room where a hopeful 3 year old enters only to be told her brother is an angel. 
It's the sound that haunts me...




Okay, with Saturday in mind I would like all of my fellow blog followers to join me in National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and honor Sam by lighting a candle. I will be taking part in a balloon release in South Elgin given by the MISS Foundation and the Sweet Pea Project. Should you participate in remembering all of the babies lost to the unknowns of Stillbirth, please take a picture and send it to me. I would love to make a collage of the candle pictures that you guys send. For me it would be a reminder that Sam's birth has not gone unnoticed and he continues to make in impact on this secret society of Babyloss.


Never forget our babies that were born angels...

Grab a facebook button in honor of October 15th...

Random Thoughts

So, over the past week or so I have had some random thoughts that have crossed my mind I thought I would share with my trustee bloggers and followers...


Michalina has said some things that I think are either incredibly intelligent for a 3 year old or they are incredibly cute and need to be noted. So, with that said I will try to write them down and share them with you all.

Michalina-ism #1: "I know, we can hold hands and bounce up to heaven and catch Sam; but, first we have to get some bouncy shoes."


I have been contemplating what is worse...keeping Sam's bedroom door closed or leaving it open. The way I am seeing it this week is, wither way I am filled with a tremendous amount of sadness. With his door closed I am constantly looking at a closed door that should be open and filled with the smell of a new baby. The closed door is a reminder of broken dreams and hopes for a future with my baby boy. Seeing it closed is comparable to a smack in the face. Kinda like someone is laughing at me and my sadness
Now the door open can bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes-all at the same time none the less. The door open makes me smile in remembrance of my sweet Sam. In some weird, twisted way an open door keeps his presence real. On the flip side, the door open brings me tears for the same reasons it is closed. Open, leaves me staring at an empty room that should be filled with baby laughter and smell of baby lotion. Instead I see clothes that were ransacked when we were trying to decide what to burying Sam in, full boxes of diapers, an empty crib, and a framed picture of Sam's hand and footprints in the place he should be sound asleep waiting for a new day. 
For now, the doors remains closed, same as it has for 4 months and 4 days. His room still remains with hurt to tender to touch.




Word to the wise...Do not tell a mother that has just lost her baby that she looks good. This is not a compliment only diarrhea of the mouth from people that have never lost a child after giving birth. Compliments are hard to find for someone that has just lost their child; not much can be taken as a compliment. The only compliment worth giving a grieving mother should be about how they are honoring their child's legacy. Nothing else matters, at least to me.




Taking Michalina to preschool for her first day was not what I ever dreamed it to be. I always thought it would have ben different. I managed to have joy for her; however, sorrow for the "should haves". Once again, it was a reminder of broken hopes and dreams for the future. Preschool is another milestone I will never experience with Sam and Michalina experiences it alone. My baby girl is growing up, she is becoming more independent. If anyone knows Michalina, they know that she is 3 going on 16; preschool has just confirmed that. Sad because my little girl is growing up and sad because her brother is not here to share her experience. 


October 15th is coming up. This is a day that has been marked Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day there will be a balloon release donated by the Sweet Pea Project in South Elgin at Footprints Memorial Park (corner of rt. 31 and state st.). The balloons are biodegradable and filled with seeds in hopes that a plant will be born in remembrance of your baby/child. If you have any questions about the release please email me. All are welcome to attend the release.




Another Illuminate opportunity came to our class, even though we have been long done with the class. Beryl Young, the women behind the Illuminate movement, was contacted by the author of Baby Dust for some pictures for her book trailer. This trailer is just like a movie trailer only for a book. The book is a novel based on five women's story of baby loss; either still birth or miscarriage. The book is due out this fall. Take a look at the trailer; all of the pictures are from ladies in my Illuminate class. Sam and I are featured at the end of the trailer. Please feel free to share this with every one you know-I am a proud parent of an angel! 
Click here----> Baby Dust Book Trailer

Michalina's First Day of Preschool