Our First Sam Adventure

As I type this I am sitting in front of a warm fireplace with a beautiful hand knit shawl around my shoulders- a gift from the women at the United Methodist Church in MN. Some of you may know that Lucas and I have been blessed with a wonderful opportunity to spend a few days at Faith's Lodge in Northern Wisconsin. From the moment you step foot through the doors you are overwhelmed with emotions. Not bad emotions, emotions of love and hope. I look around me and think how many families have been here before me because they know just what it is like to have lost their child. It's not fair no matter how you look at it, but this place fills you with the love that these families have for their child that has passed. You pull into Faith's Lodge and think what a beautiful place this is and it is all because of a baby named Faith that never got to take a breath. Again, something I wished I never had the opportunity to experience, but I am glad that it is available to parents and families like us.
We just got finished making our stepping stone in memory of Sam. Just being in the same room with other parents all with the same sad purpose is unbelievable. The love that surrounds a parent who has lost a baby or a child is so powerful that only another parent of loss could understand.
The grounds here are amazing; although flatten mostly by the storms this summer there is still a beauty to it. We are staying in Kaitlin's suite or Running Deer suite and we could not have asked for a better view. We are overlooking the pond and the fire pit area. Jane and Evelyn are two women with a heart of gold. This place couldn't be more right for us right now.

Later today, after I drag Lucas away from the puzzle we will go for a short walk. We will see how much of the cold I can handle! Please enjoy the pictures.
I will post later...

The Terrible Three

The 3 most terrifying grieving emotions to shake; sadness, hopelessness, and anger. These 3 creep up on you like no other; they are also the hardest ones to shake. They grab hold and are relentless. Their grip is so tight it is almost impossible to breathe. I find myself gasping for air as I try to get rid of these feelings long enough to regain my composure. Just when I think I got it, it sinks its teeth deeper into my heart. I try to talk myself through it-”you can do this, there is only 3 more hours left at work…” But I can’t, I can’t breathe!

These emotions strike with no warning. The boil through me like they are venom from a snake. They are relentless and take a hold me with an immense intensity. It is very hard for me to put it into words what I feel when the terrible three take hold.

Today it was sadness and hopelessness that struck me. The anger was not a part of the nightmare today. Sometimes the sadness and the hopelessness are so consuming that there is no room for anger; but always, sadness and hopelessness are together. For me these two emotions travel in a pair. I have never experienced one without the other.

Anger is a different story because it fills me with so much rage that there isn’t room for much of anything. The anger is ugly and very scary. Anger fills me with thoughts that are extremely disturbing to the ignorant and naive.

I sit here at my desk, in my office with tears rolling down my face uncontrollably. I want so bad to make it through today, but I don’t think I can. I am too far-gone. But I have to. I have to learn how to shelf these emotions for a more appropriate time. This is just another learning curve in my life without my son.

I just want to feel him again…alive.

I love you Sam.

My baby is very real. We are just blind to his wings.