Silence

I felt it. I was thick neither one of us wanted to say anything but we both felt it. The anger both filled is at the same time. It was almost like I could see it enter the car and pry our mouths open and force us to swallow its bitterness. Our chests puffed out as if the anger was too big to fit in our lives at that moment.

never the less anger made its way in and fill our brains with the questions and sarcastic remarks toward our creator. Just like it always does. Never actually invited always an unwelcome guest.

We never said anything to each other. He looked a few times and I glared. As if to study it looking for an answer. Looking for a final answer as to why our creator took our son from us.

But I didn't find it.

Still we sat there stuck in traffic in a small town near our home. At a dead stop in front of a church with a huge banner swaying between the columns that would welcome the Saturday church goers.

A picture of what is supposed to be The Creators hands holding a baby still in the womb. Next to the hands was Isaiah 44:2.
There it was reassuring me that Sam was in His hands before he was born, "under his care". Then why'd he let him die. He's supposed to be a loving God. Why could he take good care for my son.

Why'd He choose my son to die and not yours.

My eyes felt with tears as we pulled away. Tears of anger. Tears of relief. Tears of pain.

And again anger consumes my thoughts. The stronghold strikes again.

Fuck you anger. I want my baby boy!

The Terrible Three

The 3 most terrifying grieving emotions to shake; sadness, hopelessness, and anger. These 3 creep up on you like no other; they are also the hardest ones to shake. They grab hold and are relentless. Their grip is so tight it is almost impossible to breathe. I find myself gasping for air as I try to get rid of these feelings long enough to regain my composure. Just when I think I got it, it sinks its teeth deeper into my heart. I try to talk myself through it-”you can do this, there is only 3 more hours left at work…” But I can’t, I can’t breathe!

These emotions strike with no warning. The boil through me like they are venom from a snake. They are relentless and take a hold me with an immense intensity. It is very hard for me to put it into words what I feel when the terrible three take hold.

Today it was sadness and hopelessness that struck me. The anger was not a part of the nightmare today. Sometimes the sadness and the hopelessness are so consuming that there is no room for anger; but always, sadness and hopelessness are together. For me these two emotions travel in a pair. I have never experienced one without the other.

Anger is a different story because it fills me with so much rage that there isn’t room for much of anything. The anger is ugly and very scary. Anger fills me with thoughts that are extremely disturbing to the ignorant and naive.

I sit here at my desk, in my office with tears rolling down my face uncontrollably. I want so bad to make it through today, but I don’t think I can. I am too far-gone. But I have to. I have to learn how to shelf these emotions for a more appropriate time. This is just another learning curve in my life without my son.

I just want to feel him again…alive.

I love you Sam.

My baby is very real. We are just blind to his wings.

Breathe

Yesterday there were moments that made me crippled with sadness. I visited Sam’s park and was, for what ever reason, buckling at my knees with such a sadness that no one could know unless they have buried their child way too early. I look around at my world and think and feel how unfair the of hand I was dealt. It’s like God is using a trick deck and giving me the shitty cards. I know I am not the only one in the world that feels life is so unfair. However, think of it like this, my unfairness is more about my questions.

I once read an explanation for how a baby/child loss mother lives her life. The explanation was an analogy for winning a Golden Globe or an Emmy for best actress. I have been thinking a lot about this analogy and how true it is. Every day I see people look at me or talk to me like I’m “okay”. I am sure they see me as functioning and taking on tasks that were before Sam and think, “she’s doing okay”, “she’s not ‘grieving’ anymore, she must be done”. Ha! I am far from that! I am shattered inside just trying to keep my head above water. Have you ever wore a pair of pants that are waaayyyy too tight? All day long you are thinking about going home and ripping them off so you can finally breathe. You walk around work making it look like your are so comfortable and go about your daily task because you just can ‘t leave yet. Then, you get home and rip the pants off and can finally relax and be yourself and be comfortable. This is how I feel only I wear grief and pain all day long. I can’t let anyone know that I am so broken inside that my body is screaming with sadness. These kind of emotions make people uncomfortable. When people can’t identify with you, they are give hollowed empathy. They don’t know what to say to you and you don’t expect them to say anything to make you feel better.

I don’t know how long I will feel this way and I don’t know if I will ever feel any different. I will always be the elephant in the room. People will forget my sweet baby boy and I will forever be broken and missing my angel.

We have earned the Best Actress award by a force that was uncontrollable. We have been given this award because no one could ever imagine unless they have been there themselves. We have won this award because we have to belong to a society that cannot identify with the pain that fills us. The award is given to us in solitude and no one is giving a standing ovation.