The door

My morning began with Michalina calling out, "Emergency, emergency! Theres an ant in the bathroom."

In an effort to rid my house of the ants that seem to be taking over lately, I vow to myself that I am going to vacuum the whole house today. I was determined to suck up those sons of a bitches! 

I finish the downstairs and head upstairs to the second part of the battle. Yep! Ants upstairs too. Upstairs is done, then I came to the last room at the end of the hallway. I was faced with the door that has rarely been opened for the past 11 months. The door that sheltered the shattered dreams and hopes for my little boy. 

With vacuum in hand, I placed my hand on the doorknob, took a deep breath and opened it. Immediately, my breath is taken away (literately) by the rush of dreams that were supposed to be. I kept my head down and tried to focus on the carpet and the task at hand. Yeah, that didn't last for long. I quickly was being suffocated by the overwhelming should haves, dreams, and flashbacks. I am sobbing while I vigorously push the demon vacuum back and forth. I continue until my tears are blinding me from what I was in there to do.

I find myself slumping over his crib filled with his clothes that have been scattered about after my husband and I angrily looked for something to bury our only son in. I held a onesie that said "mommies little man" on it and cried. I wanted to see him in that onesie so bad. I wanted him to be in that outfit. I wanted to hold it and smell him. Instead I smell my detergent never tainted by the fragrant smell of a newborn. I shuffled through other clothes that I remember thinking, I can't wait to see him in this. 

A onesie that said Handsome just like daddy,

Daddy's little monster...

Clothes filled with dreams and hopes for a future that was never going to be. 

I began going through parts of his bedroom. I was ready for him. I was ready for there to be a newborn baby boy entering my family within weeks from when I diligently fixed and prepared the perfect space for him. I couldn't have been more prepared to bring home a baby alive.

I see the bouncy on the floor in the corner that is falling apart. I am swarmed by the memory of trying to put it together with Michalina the week before I gave birth to Sam. I remembered her and I put it together with the certainty that her little brother was going to be in it shortly. I remember how excited she was to help me and how it didn't matter to her that we goofed up and had to tackle it again to make sure we put it together the right way. 

And there it sits, still half way put together. Frustration of a very pregnant mother written all over it. Failure, it says, laughing and mocking me. 

I have been toy with the idea of opening his door for about a week now. I don't know why, but I have been wanting to go in his room lately. Today I just felt that I had a purpose that was not driven by curiosity of grief and sadness. It found me, still managing to wrestle me to the ground. In tears on the floor of my son's bedroom. 

I close the door and whisper, Mommy loves you Sam. I miss you so much. I'm sorry, I wanted to protect you. I love you. I love you. 

Random Thoughts

So, over the past week or so I have had some random thoughts that have crossed my mind I thought I would share with my trustee bloggers and followers...


Michalina has said some things that I think are either incredibly intelligent for a 3 year old or they are incredibly cute and need to be noted. So, with that said I will try to write them down and share them with you all.

Michalina-ism #1: "I know, we can hold hands and bounce up to heaven and catch Sam; but, first we have to get some bouncy shoes."


I have been contemplating what is worse...keeping Sam's bedroom door closed or leaving it open. The way I am seeing it this week is, wither way I am filled with a tremendous amount of sadness. With his door closed I am constantly looking at a closed door that should be open and filled with the smell of a new baby. The closed door is a reminder of broken dreams and hopes for a future with my baby boy. Seeing it closed is comparable to a smack in the face. Kinda like someone is laughing at me and my sadness
Now the door open can bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes-all at the same time none the less. The door open makes me smile in remembrance of my sweet Sam. In some weird, twisted way an open door keeps his presence real. On the flip side, the door open brings me tears for the same reasons it is closed. Open, leaves me staring at an empty room that should be filled with baby laughter and smell of baby lotion. Instead I see clothes that were ransacked when we were trying to decide what to burying Sam in, full boxes of diapers, an empty crib, and a framed picture of Sam's hand and footprints in the place he should be sound asleep waiting for a new day. 
For now, the doors remains closed, same as it has for 4 months and 4 days. His room still remains with hurt to tender to touch.




Word to the wise...Do not tell a mother that has just lost her baby that she looks good. This is not a compliment only diarrhea of the mouth from people that have never lost a child after giving birth. Compliments are hard to find for someone that has just lost their child; not much can be taken as a compliment. The only compliment worth giving a grieving mother should be about how they are honoring their child's legacy. Nothing else matters, at least to me.




Taking Michalina to preschool for her first day was not what I ever dreamed it to be. I always thought it would have ben different. I managed to have joy for her; however, sorrow for the "should haves". Once again, it was a reminder of broken hopes and dreams for the future. Preschool is another milestone I will never experience with Sam and Michalina experiences it alone. My baby girl is growing up, she is becoming more independent. If anyone knows Michalina, they know that she is 3 going on 16; preschool has just confirmed that. Sad because my little girl is growing up and sad because her brother is not here to share her experience. 


October 15th is coming up. This is a day that has been marked Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day there will be a balloon release donated by the Sweet Pea Project in South Elgin at Footprints Memorial Park (corner of rt. 31 and state st.). The balloons are biodegradable and filled with seeds in hopes that a plant will be born in remembrance of your baby/child. If you have any questions about the release please email me. All are welcome to attend the release.




Another Illuminate opportunity came to our class, even though we have been long done with the class. Beryl Young, the women behind the Illuminate movement, was contacted by the author of Baby Dust for some pictures for her book trailer. This trailer is just like a movie trailer only for a book. The book is a novel based on five women's story of baby loss; either still birth or miscarriage. The book is due out this fall. Take a look at the trailer; all of the pictures are from ladies in my Illuminate class. Sam and I are featured at the end of the trailer. Please feel free to share this with every one you know-I am a proud parent of an angel! 
Click here----> Baby Dust Book Trailer

Michalina's First Day of Preschool