What do you say...Michalina-ism

What do you say to your four year old who mentions this out of the blue...

"Mom, when I go to heaven can my body go in Sam's wall with him?"

Yes, baby you can.

"Daddy and the workers are going to have to smash the square with Sam's name on it so it says Michalina and Sam"

Yes, honey they will change it for you. 

"Mom, I don't want to be in a box. Don't put me in a box, Okay? So, I can play with my Jesse doll."

 Why

"Well, I can't play with my Jesse doll if I'm in a box. So don't put me in one, okay"

Okay

"But you have to dress me. Dress me real pretty."

As tears roll down my face at the thought of this process...

Can we not talk about this anymore?

"Okay Mommy."

How does a four year old have such an old soul? Why does she have to experience and think about these possibilities? Four year old shouldn't have to think or request where they want their bodies to be buried when they die.

But that's my four year old's reality. God, it kills a little piece of me every time she talks like this.

This is my normal.
This is her normal.

This is our reality.

How do you find a path through that?
It's a long journey....

One Year From Now...

Well here is the last assignment for my photography class. I am truly sad that it is over.

I sit here in tears as I think about an entire year without Sam. A whole year, how can that be possible? One year makes me think of what he would be like. What would his first birthday party theme be? Would he be walking by his first birthday? What would his little voice sound like when his first word left his little lips? Tears...

I have to be honest, I can't think of my future, not even one day from now. I never really have been a person that could see themselves doing anything in the future. And now that Sam is gone, I am afraid to look into the future. I am afraid that it will be filled with other losses and pain. My husband always tells me that I pigeon hole my hopes and this is one aspect I don't want to do that with. I do hope my family grows in the future, in one year, I don't know. I hope that my future brings me a way to contribute to the babyloss community in a profound way. I hope that I am able to keep Sam's legacy alive. In one year...

Tomorrow and in the near future, I want to be sure that I am expressing my love for my family in a way that everlasting. Sam has given me the gift to love deeper, greater, and more intensely than I ever thought possible; I want to be sure that my husband and daughter know that love.

As this class draws to a close, I want to express my appreciation to Beryl for creating this class specifically for grieving mothers. I wished that this didn't have to end and we could some how get a year's worth of photo challenges to help with the grieving process. My photography is showing me something I never thought I was any good at and giving me the confidence to get in front of the camera myself.

Thank you Beryl and thank you ladies for your sincere honestly and trust. We got to figure out a way to get the first Illuminate class together...in person. I would love to meet all of you. Thank you ladies!