She's here...

Well without further a due...I had my rainbow on Thursday! Vivianna Samantha was born at 3:51 pm. Of course named partly after her big brother. She is doing well and so is the rest of our family. I will post more of her birth story when I have a bit more time. I wanted to share her picture and arrival with you all because I know some of you have been patiently waiting.
Thank you all for you continued prayers and thoughts throughout this journey. I couldn't have done it with out you.

Waiting...

Time seems to be moving at a snail's pace as I sit here waiting to be induced and meet our new addition. I am overwhelmingly calm. I know that I have no control over the outcome of today. I am here and doing what I am supposed to be doing, the rest is up to God. Now I know God and I have not been very cordial this past year. But I think it is for good reason on my part. I have had a very difficult time being able to put my full trust in him like I had May 8, 2011. I have admittedly kept him at arm's distance. I fully accept that he is in control of this life I lead, although that is hard at times to swallow. I know that there is only so much I can do.

Today I have missed Sam more than I have in a long time. I miss holding him and feeling his skin. Don't get me wrong there is not a split second that goes by that I don't miss or think about him, but today, on my indication day he is really on my mind and heart. I hope he is here with me in the room. I hope he is sitting right next to me snuggling up and keeping me calm.
I love you baby boy.

The nurses have been great so far. They were nice enough to put us in a new room so it looks nothing like the room we delivered Sam and Michalina in. Yea, it makes us a little bit more comfortable, but what I think is really putting us at ease is this experience so far is way different than our last two kids. However, now that I type that I am reminding myself of the unknowns. The unknowns are also what scares the shit out of me. I don't know what it is going to be like to actually know that I am going to go into labor. With both my other children I went so fast and was in denial the whole time to even think about what was actually happening. With this one, I have time to think. If anyone knows me well, ring me time to think is not always a good thing.

How to curb anticipation...

The Unknown

I have less than 1 day to go before I meet my new addition to my family. I sit her in the glider that I hope I am holding my little girl in by the weekend nursing her and filling her healthy body with nutrition.
But I can't shake all of the pressure that come with Thursday.
People are praying for her safety and health at this very moment. They are also praying for her arrival. Praying for her to arrive alive. I can't help but think this is my responsibility to do so. I mean who else is going to do that? I never thought the pressure to deliver a live baby would be so much!

Now I know no one means to put this pressure on me. In fact I am putting pressure on myself. But man, is it overwhelming!

I just pray that I have a living, breathing, healthy baby in my arms Thursday.

6 days and counting…

Well in less than 1 week I will be bringing another baby into this world. My induction date has been set for Thursday. Needless to say I am a nervous wreck. So much so that I am barely sleeping at night.

I'm scared!

Scared I'm going to not make it to Thursday.
Scared I'm going to deliver in a silent delivery room…again.
Scared I'm going to let my excited daughter and family down again.
Scared I'm going to have to memorize another one of my babies faces quickly before death takes over.
Scared I'm going to have a little lifeless hand in mine with purple little nails not not squeezing back.
Scared that all the joy I've allowed myself to have these past couple weeks is going to be crushed…again.
Scared to relive the worst and possibly more again.

I want so bad to be excited. I thank this little girl every time she moves. I thank her for those reminders that she is still alive. I am joyful and grateful for her life and treasure every deco d I have with her. Just scared that God is going to tear it from me any second. Or worse yet, allow me to gaze into her beautiful eyes only to say goodbye.

Please God rid me of these awful thoughts and feelings. I'm too weak to hold this weight of worry and grief. Free me from these thoughts. Free me from terror of evil. Help me.

I'm scared.

As promised…

These are the two outfits I've been working on. Hope you like them as much as I do. I have one more to do of the pink one but different material.
Next is a tutu outfit for Michalina because of course now she wants one too. Then baby legwarmers.
Wish me luck!

Confessions of THIS baby loss mama...

I must confess...

I am more prepared mentally, emotionally, and physically for this baby to die than I am for her to come home.

I know that sound morbid and sad, but that is my reality. That is the reality of many other mothers who have lost an infant. I mean I am ready; I know what outfit she would be buried in, I know that the cemetery has agreed to let her be buried with Sam if need be, I know the plaster impression kit I will bring to the hospital, I know who to call for pictures, I know what will happen as time goes on in the hospital, I know how it will feel to walk out with a box instead of a baby, and I know who I want contacted. Even though I know both a living and a dead baby experience, it's the worst experience that sticks with me. Don't get me wrong I remember what it was like to bring my daughter home, but not bringing my son home is more fresh in my mind. I know that there is no make up time with a baby that never comes home with you. I know that the hours spend with a still baby is precious and the only moments I will ever get. The moments that have to last me a lifetime. 

With only weeks away I am finally making a conscious decision to "get ready" for this baby. It is crunch time. We may be meeting this baby in a bit more than 2 weeks if I induce. This has been really hard on me. I think and I am reminded of all the things I did leading up to Sam's birth. I did a ton of stuff for Sam. Every time I was out and about I was searching for cute little boy things, whether it was clothes or baby accessories. With this baby, I have steered clear of the baby section and try hard not to look at all of the newborn stuff. Maybe it is out of instinctive protection of my heart or maybe it is out of frugalness to not load up on things  that may go to waste. In my leap of faith to "prepare" I have done things for her knowing it may be the only thing I buy/make for her. 

A few weeks ago Michalina and I spent a while in Sam's bedroom just reading books, talking and playing. I don't know why, but it was something we did and enjoyed. I sat in the glider, in his room, for quite a while. I sat there and rocked staring at the crib filled with his clothes that were never put away, never worn. As I rocked it was apparent how comforting it was to be in his room, with his things, his stagnant dream. I was surround by Sam in a room he never was in. I knew then that I needed a room for this baby. Just in case she didn't come home, I would have a place, besides the mausoleum, to visit and be comforted by her. 

So, it began.

I told my husband about my thoughts when he got home. Although it took some time we have been slowly moving things into and out of the rooms. We are keeping Sam's room and turning the office in to the new baby's room. Of course, we will be moving the crib, bookcase, and dresser into the baby's room. But nonetheless, Sam's room will remain the same. We are too attached to his room to paint over or wipe it clean. I remember spending hours painting his room and making sure it was just right of our first little boy that to remove that would be too much. We have been moving very slow at this. We have not yet put his clothes away and have not moved the crib. When we started moving things I took pictures and cried like a baby. It was hard to do. I felt like I was disappointing him, like I was forgetting him and moving on. Of course, none of that is true. I will never forget my first born son, I have not moved on. Sam is forever a part of my heart and my life, I am living not moving on. 

Besides preparing a room for the new baby I have made some things for her. I had searched here and there for a cute outfit to put her in at the hospital and never had any luck. There was one that I liked I just couldn't bring myself to actually buy it. So....I have made two outfits so far. I will have to post the pictures when the second is completed-I have one thing left to do. I made these outfits knowing she may wear them once or multiple times. I have prepared myself for that mentally. I am content with that. 

However, other than two outfits and a room transition started, I have nothing ready for her homecoming. I hope that I am frantic when we get home trying to figure out what to dress her in. I hope that all of Sam's diaper's and wipes will be used for her. I hope I will be able to set up the bassinet beside my bed. 

But I know...

I have no control over her fate and the plan that waits. 

Memories and Moments

I relived some memories today. Memories I didn't expect to effect me like they did. The last time I was in the birthing unit at the hospital I delivered both my children at, I was given the news that would change my life forever. I was nervous going there and the days leading up to my appointment there but I didn't think i would step off the elevator and feel my heart thumping all the way down in my feet.

We had a scheduled BPP today. Not because there is anything wrong but because I'm trying to do everything in my power to monitor this baby.

We entered room 312 for our NST and a brief conversation with a nurse that was as sweet as pie. She could see our pain and sorrow. She made a note on our file to keep us out of room
310, the room we spent 24 hours with the news that our precious boy was not coming home with us. She held my hand as I sat there and cried. She hugged me when I needed it and reassured me she would do what she needed to to make us comfortable.

I laid there hooked up to the monitors and watched as the baby accelerated and decelerated as I calmed down. When I first arrived, the baby illustrated my stress and anxiety with high peaks and no relaxation. I was able to calm down enough to get a fantastic NST reading and an 8 out of 8 on the BPP.

Being back in those rooms felt like I was drowning in a sea of grief and pain. I stared at myself in the mirror in the bathroom glaring at the gown. That gown took me right back to the moments of excitement before i delivered Sam.

Moments before my world came crumbling down around me.

Crying knowing I was going to be strapped on the bed for monitoring just the same as I did, again moments, before my world was shattered.

Moments.

These moments that meant nothing to me a year ago are not marked by the death of my son.

Moments of excitement quickly, I mean quickly, followed by gut wrenching news.

All in all I'm glad I was able to enter the birthing unit and the rooms that gave me such agony before I deliver this baby. It gave me a test run I never could imagine. I felt comfortable, uneasy, and anxious all at the same time today.

Moments I anticipate.
Moments I will never forget.