Names

Today was the day that I turned the corner in the mausoleum and saw it. I saw mine and Lucas’ name on the wall. Initially my heart dropped, then immediately following, my eyes welled up with tears of happiness. I never thought I would be excited and happy to see my name on my crypt before I needed it. However, when you bury your own child, I think things change. This was something I always said I would never do. That is why it took a little bit before we went into the cemetery office to make the request and pay for it. Now I am glad we made the decision. We wanted our names up so that Sam wasn’t alone, even if ours are empty, our names are right next to his. His name no longer seem to be alone amongst a bunch of strangers; his name is accompanied by his mommy and daddy’s.  I know this may sound strange or weird to many people; but I know many bereaved parents would eel the same as me and smile when they see their crypt next to their child. I now know that I will be with my baby again.

I am filled with peace and happiness now that it is official my baby doesn’t have to be alone, even if it is just my name on the wall. For what ever reason it was this brought tears of happiness and a smile to my face.

Dear Readers...

Please take a moment to read my new tab, "DEAR READERS". I felt it was necessary to give all of my readers a little disclaimer. I think you guys should be forewarned about the raw emotions you will, or have read in my posts.

Knocked Down Again

 I am sitting here at Michalina’s gymnastics…now with tears in my eyes.

It’s ironic how the babyloss mother gets stuck sitting in the viewing area with 2 newborn babies! Of course the viewing room is empty-except the babies and their HAPPY, BLISSFUL moms! It makes me want to fucking SCREAM! Then to top it off someone approaches one of the mothers to oogle over the cute little baby and tell the mom how good she looks for just having a baby! I find cover and run. I can’t take it! Why is it that millions of moms get to live through ignorant bliss while others get to live through the worst pain imaginable. It is almost like someone is dangling Sam’s passing in my face and saying, “this is what you coulda had…”

I just feel trapped in a time frame that will not allow me to cross the line. Between my body doing weird shit and trying to figure out how to live my life with out my son, I feel like I am jumped by a massive, brutal gang every single day. Do you know what it’s like to try and get up after being beaten to a pulp? It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done…live, survive and I have to do that every day of my life.

Breathe

Yesterday there were moments that made me crippled with sadness. I visited Sam’s park and was, for what ever reason, buckling at my knees with such a sadness that no one could know unless they have buried their child way too early. I look around at my world and think and feel how unfair the of hand I was dealt. It’s like God is using a trick deck and giving me the shitty cards. I know I am not the only one in the world that feels life is so unfair. However, think of it like this, my unfairness is more about my questions.

I once read an explanation for how a baby/child loss mother lives her life. The explanation was an analogy for winning a Golden Globe or an Emmy for best actress. I have been thinking a lot about this analogy and how true it is. Every day I see people look at me or talk to me like I’m “okay”. I am sure they see me as functioning and taking on tasks that were before Sam and think, “she’s doing okay”, “she’s not ‘grieving’ anymore, she must be done”. Ha! I am far from that! I am shattered inside just trying to keep my head above water. Have you ever wore a pair of pants that are waaayyyy too tight? All day long you are thinking about going home and ripping them off so you can finally breathe. You walk around work making it look like your are so comfortable and go about your daily task because you just can ‘t leave yet. Then, you get home and rip the pants off and can finally relax and be yourself and be comfortable. This is how I feel only I wear grief and pain all day long. I can’t let anyone know that I am so broken inside that my body is screaming with sadness. These kind of emotions make people uncomfortable. When people can’t identify with you, they are give hollowed empathy. They don’t know what to say to you and you don’t expect them to say anything to make you feel better.

I don’t know how long I will feel this way and I don’t know if I will ever feel any different. I will always be the elephant in the room. People will forget my sweet baby boy and I will forever be broken and missing my angel.

We have earned the Best Actress award by a force that was uncontrollable. We have been given this award because no one could ever imagine unless they have been there themselves. We have won this award because we have to belong to a society that cannot identify with the pain that fills us. The award is given to us in solitude and no one is giving a standing ovation.