Helpless

Really missing my baby boy today. I don't cry everyday, but when I do, I let it out. I am not one that can control the level to which I cry. I don't know if it is because I'm not feeling the greatest today, but man do I miss that little guy. You know when you are sick and you have that feeling of helplessness. Well feeling cruddy just amplifies that for me.

With both of my kids I was never one to take belly pictures while I was pregnant with them. I think with Michalina I have one about a week before I delivered her and that is it. If there was any "belly pics" they were unintentional and a a family gathering. I just never thought I looked very good pregnant. I was large, round, and just unattractive. I am not one that was small to begin with so for me pregnant means house.

So, I was looking back at pictures today from Michalina's 3rd birthday party just days before I had Sam. I came across a photo that was candid while we were opening her gifts. You can see just how large I am. But now, I treasure that picture. I look at the smile on my face and the ignorance written all over my face. I see a girl who was just going through the movements of being a mom to a 3 year old, being pregnant, and working full time. A girl who is trying to balance life with out enjoying the small things. A girl that will, in days, live through the worse thing imaginable. I feel sorry for this girl. I am haunted, although never publicly admitted, by the regrets I have with my little boy.

I regret not soaking up every moment I had with him alive.

I regret not taking belly pics.

I regret taking his life for granted.

I regret not documenting his life while he was alive. Now I am left trying to keep his memory alive.

Never once did I think of what could have happened. I feel like during my pregnancies I must have taken a invisible teen pill. Remember being a teenager and having that invisible feeling the "it won't happen to me" attitude. I had that. As bad as I want it back I feel sorry for that stupid girl. 

I do remember one thing. On that day, the day of her party, I remember having a friend feel Sam pushing what I imagined was his butt towards my belly. I loved that moment. I wished I remembered more moments like that. The moments when Sam was alive. The moments I will never be able to get back. 

Stupid girl. 

Jaded

This is a post that has been weeks in the making. So, I am sorry it took so long for it to actually be finished. I will apologize a head of time for any disconnects and confusion this post may bring.

There has been something on my mind that I feel desperate need to write about, it has only been recently that I knew how to put my feelings into words. Desperate in a kind of way like I need to write to organize and release some emotions. Recently I was put into a situation were I have felt my character, my grief, my decisions, and my new journey have all been judged; all by the unexpected.

Of course this was all completed indirectly; you know with out actually saying this. I am I guess once you experience grief like we have I believe we are put into a category unlike any other. We have experienced the ultimate. To bury our babies our young children. I'm sorry if I offend others but there is no comparison; not a sick child, not the loss of a sibling/parent/spouse, not even a handicap child. I'm not saying that these are not terrible things to go through. These all come with there own set of trials, heartache, and challenges. I'm saying that they cannot be compared. I can't even compare my loss to another stillbirth. I may be able to relate in some ways better than someone who has had the loss of a loved one. But I cannot say I know just how they feel. That would be unfair.

I also know that each journey is different. Even thought it may seem "fine" from the outside doesn't mean that person is not shattered and tattered on the inside. I have no right to pass judgement on their decisions or character. There is one thing I've learned thus far, things and people are not what they seem.

I guess what it comes down to is this, I feel like my grief has been judged and disrespected. I feel I was asked to complete tasks that I was not ready to do and be a person I cannot be at this time. As selfish as that sounds only a baby loss parent could understand.

I found this quote on Pintrest the other day. I feel this sums up exactly how I feel.

Only trust someone who can see these three things in you

The Sorrow behind your smile,

The Love behind your anger,

and the Reason behind your silence.

Congenital Heart Defect Week

In honor of my fellow baby loss mothers, my niece, my dear friend and her son Braden, and a friend that recently lost her son with a CHD, I need to share some awareness about CHD. CHD effects 1 in every 100 births. There is an adorable picture of my niece with a cute lil' onesie on saying, "I'm 1 in 100", I wish I could get my hands on it. I would love to share my niece's story but I am not sure my brother would approve. Let's just say she truly is a miracle in the making. This little girl fills you with sunshine the minute you lock eyes with her. She has endured more than most children her age and has conquered more obstacles than we ever thought possible. She is a true inspiration!

There are tons of outlets out there if you or someone you know has CHD or has a baby/child with CHD. Mended Little Hearts has been a help to many families I know. Here is a page on their site that has a load of resources.

Francesca at Small Bird Studios has had a guess blogger on the other day to share awareness on this matter. Click on this link and take five minutes to read about Cora.

This Valentines Day and all through February, don't just think of the cute lil' hearts that cover cutesy cards and decorations, think about the hearts that are scared, broken, and mended and spread the word about CHD.

Congenital Heart Defect Week February 7-14.

Heart of Gold Charity in Braden Petska's memory.

Just another day

First I have to get something off my chest. After being home sick for almost 2 weeks, yes, 2 weeks. I have watched my fair share of TLC. Well, yesterday they really were promoting the premiere of the 19 and counting new season. They even were showing clips from the latest babies funereal and when the parents found out about the loss of the baby (sorry I don't know names). Even promoting how much their lives have changed and how they will make it through this as a family.

But, did you catch something...

It's still called 19 and Counting.

What type of bull shit is that? Is TLC now recognizing their stillborn baby, Jubilee,  as a Duggar? What kind of message are they trying to send the "normal" society we families of loss are walking among. This precious life needs to be recognized and remembered. Just as she mentions in her letter to Jubilee, she has 21 children, "19 here and 2 in heaven".
Michelle Duggar shares a beautiful letter she wrote to Jubilee.




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I also had to share a post from Fran over at Small Bird Studio's. This post is incredible. She gives a beautiful insight to the world of a baby loss mother. Her words flow so smoothly when describing the feeling that are forever with us.